New Policy

If you're dating someone and the only way you can be around each other is to be drunk, it's probably not in the cards. This is especially true if neither of you are alcoholics. Ditch one another immediately.

True-to-Life Example:
Boy: Hi.
Girl: Hi.
Boy: I need a drink.
Girl: Make mine a double.
...many drinks later...
Boy: Wanna hook up now?
Girl: Sure, at least I won't be able to remember it later.
Boy: Me either--what a relief.

This is not love, peops. This is...well, I don't know what it is except perhaps the saddest thing ever. But in a funny way. :)

More stuff that never stops being funny.

Stadtler and Waldorf, the grumpy, old guys from the Muppet Show.

Stadtler: Hey, they're not half bad.
Waldorf: No, they're all bad!
Both: (old man cackles)

That's gonna be me someday. I already know how to dance like a muppet, right?

Fun with Hypotheticals

Dear Abby, I am 18 and I recently began seeing a 45 year old man. I'll call him "Leonard."

I'm just kidding. Do y'all ever read Dear Abby? People like to make up fake names for the people in their situation and they always choose these God-awful names. Now I'm sorry if your name is Leonard, but surely you are aware, as we are all aware that your name is just not good, dude.

Dear Reader, you have complete poetic license here and you use LEONARD? Clearly, you love this man. What is wrong with you? Go away; you're chewing newsprint. Love, Abby

Or then there's the unbelievable. "My girlfriend 'Milliscent' and I are in our 20s and very happy, blah blah blah. The problem is Miliscent's dad 'Bartlett Winston Graham IV'; he is a real ball buster." Good job making up names there, hoss. Clearly, chiefy there doesn't understand the fact that truth is stranger than fiction and that the educated audience that we, the regular readers of Dear Abby (no, shut up; we're awesome), do not believe for one second that his father-in-law's name is not BWG IV. And on that note, if I were your girlfriend, I'd stick to Millie.

Dear Abby, I am involved with an older man. Let's call him PBRG. PBRG is acting like he's 6. Please help."

Ahh, but that's for another day, gentle reader. :)

World's Funniest Joke

Okay, so this joke is really not that hilarious all at once, but it is consistently funny and the preferred joke among my friends. Warning: You may read this and find this not funny at all, in which case, you have no soul.

Thanks.

The basic joke:
"Blah blah [some object]."
"You're a [some object]."
"Your mom is a [some object]!"
Always funny.

:::The following is a dramatization and the players are paid actors.:::
(Setting: This week I was shopping around for a digital camera and I was collecting advice from friends and foe alike about what to buy, where to buy, and how much to spend. [Note: Incompetence, thy name is Circuit City at the Almeda Mall!])

PBRG: Make sure to buy an extra large memory stick.
Me: You're an extra large memory stick.
M!, M2, E., S., Big T. or whoever is handy: Your mom is an extra large memory stick!

And so it goes. And we all laughed ever after.

When did psychosis get cool?

Last I checked, being a raving lunatic was: not cool and yet, people think that referring to themselves as complete freak shows is not only charming, but clever and zany. How about: NO.

Today I was behind a car peppered in bumper stickers, which I thoroughly enjoy. I don't think it is in anyway tasteful mind you, but I enjoy it just the same. Kind of like going to the freak show at a fair: I don't condone it or do it myself, but if I am around, I might as well take a ganders. So here are the bumper stickers (and I wrote them down for posterity) from this car, followed by my commentary. As one of my favorite blogs (Cranky Magazine) would say, please enjoy a healthy portion of the fruits of my displeasure.

Sticker #1: "Gone Crazy. Back Soon." I'm sorry, this just isn't funny. As anyone who has gone crazy can attest, coming back soon is not so much of the optional and frankly-- for the real crazies, I am not interested in their swift return.

Sticker #2: "I have issues." Who doesn't? Get a therapist. Next.

Sticker #3: "I have my period and can therefore legally kill you." And in what state would this be true? I know this may seem "crazy," but as 51% of the world's population is women and there are only 28-31 days in every month, that means that on any given day, about .5 billion women could get away with murder. That seems reasonable. Additionally, does this remind anyone of those Looney Tunes shirts with Tweety bird that say stuff like "I'm not a morning person...so back off and shut up before I blow you away with my sawed-off uzi and then use your neck for an ashtray!" ? Yeah, it reminds me of those, too.

Sticker #4: "Princess" Of what? Tastelessness? Thanks for sharing.

Sticker #5: "Spoiled Brat" I'm sorry, are you still talking?

In conclusion, I would most likely loathe the driver of this vehicle and for those of you who seem to think that bitch is the new buzzword, umm, it's really not. You're not funny. Just stop. Please. Just be like me and say you used to be funny. If you get a web site, some people might even believe you.

P.S. It's good to be back.

Surprise of the Century

My comments were corrupting the template. Death to Haloscan. Grrrrrr.... Comments are down for now, but at least you don't have to look at the sub-par "fat puppy" template I had up earlier. It's a long road back folks, but it's good to be back.

The poll is still funny, so I won't change it. So laugh, you clown.

Oh my God-- my blog is dead.

I have been working on this stupid thing all day and have changed exactly nothing. But at least there is a new poll.

I have no idea either...

Great, just what I need. My blog is broken or some junk. I briefly tried a different template, which worked, but since I never changed this template, I don't appreciate it acting up. I am in the middle of stormy and tumultuous times, all, so when I return from Connecticut, I'll fix 'er up.

God willin' and the barn don't burn, I'll be back next Wednesday. So pray for rain.

XOXO.

Stuff I Hate

Writing cover letters.

Whose big idea was that? Jerkface.

This is Chickyboom.

Now that I am free of the spoils and toils of everyday life with Chicky, life is still not lacking in its share of irritation. And I really don't want to change my *about* section on this page, so now, every person that reminds me of the old CB is going to be referred to as such.

For example, my sister and I went to one of my favorite restaurants in Dallas this past weekend and the service can only be described as abhorrent (if not just non-existent). My sister even spoke to the manager and he was rude, too! It was ridiculous! We are a family who is friendly, if not downright chatty, with waitstaff and we were completely *shafted*. The manager didn't even do that bendy down thing and look at us and the waiter, who my sister deemed mildly retarded ( b/c she's crueler than I am--maybe) brought us our drinks *after* we had almost our entire dinner--1/2 hour or so-- and the bread even after that. I even needed a refill on water by the time he got there-- and people, you know it takes me 2-3 hours to drink a can of coke! And the guy kept slamming everything on the table like we had just told him he had an ugly girlfriend. (Maybe we should have!) Although, if he had a girlfriend, she was almost decidedly ugly, because he was kind of a freak show--and deservedly so, I might add. He reminded me of (who else?): Chickyboom.

Which came first? The damaged egg or the Chicky?

Like the tootsie pop mystery, the world may never know. (Tha-reeee-hee!)

I've missed you my darling...

(and she fired the gun again).

Dear Readers, fans, and note-worthy celebrities,
The Baby Shower I have been planning since January is now over and I will be heartily napping. And then moving some more (hopefully not dropping any more dishes--whaaah!). My life ROCKS!

Keep your chin up, though. Better blogs ahead and HOORAY! Houston is back to its warm, muggy self. That's not even a sarcastic hooray. I was disconcerted by the extremely cold, dry weather. (Okay, Houston is never *really* dry, but you know.)

In the meantime, please consider how prostitution has become legalized. Personally, I never thought it should be illegal since that law only hurts women, but I digress. Who knew "legal" prostitution could be so up in your piece? Please pay special attention to the head girl "Chasity," who will be PBRG (aka new E.)'s new gf if it doesn't work out with me.

Caution and a Bird to the Wise: don't look at this at work. It's sheerly irritainment, but it could get you fired. And probably should, you perv!

Elsie's Back and Borden's on the MOOOOOve!

I've been remiss in blogging. I realize this. But did you know (stalkers, take note!) that I have been moving? Well, good thing, because I have been.

I now have the distinct pleasure of a chickyboom-free, mold-free living experience. Now *I* am the upstairs neighbor and though I am decidedly "the most awesomest" when compared to ChickyB, my downstairs neighbors are way more of the awesome than me, so I will still be on my "most best" behavior.

Why the incorrect superlatives? They're funny, of course.

And now to cap off this entirely unapologetic, uninteresting blog, I would like to tell one of my favorite jokes. And if you don't laugh, you have no soul. I can say that because last week I told you you're probably retarded. Poetic license, you know.

This is for the new E. in my life (old Es are good Es, right E1? or is it E!...?) who says my site is a little stale. He's right.
Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one.

Oh Mary T, you're so punny!