BTW, This will make you LOL--J/K

Internet abbreviations are all around us. Some, like the following, most peops use at least some time.
BTW. BRB. WTF?! and so on...

Some are strictly for teen use (or in an ironic way by older, "wiser" persons):
OMG! LOL! L8Rs! UR-- as in UR a stupid jarhead or UR mom! (definitely not the Queen's English)

But I was on an internet newsgroup and those people are just excessive and sad with their abbreviations (and by these people, I mean *I* am excessive and sad) and now I know them all. Sorry fans, but if you didn't know, your B-LUV'd MaryT is just not just an e-pundit, but she speaks in the 3rd person, too. Very bad sign. But seriously fools, there's nary an i-net slang term you can throw @ me that I won't at least have a pretty good guess what it is.

Do you know these ones? I do. :(

FWIW
ROFL[MFAO]
AFK
IMHBEO
G2G
IRL

...and it just gets sadder. If you do know all of them, go ahead and DON'T pat yourself on the back...loser. Some of you asked why I *used* to be funny. A: I don't know (IDK) but some of this crap is likely to have something to do with it.

One thing I will be happy to relate in a near future edition, however, are the stories that made it plain that I have been on my merry way to hell since high school, at least. Those are funny, but again, in a Corey Feldman way, the new best way to describe tragicomedy (sponsored in part by E.).

P.S. PBRG (or as HP fans might say--he-who-must-not-be-named) had his very own abbreviation. I know what it stands for, but I found it to be vile and lacking in the making sense department: BSH.

The mind reels.

It's New, but Not Improved

Some might even describe this poll as sub-par, but I promise the next one will at least be less sub-par than this one.

Being average is funny. But being below average? Funnier. In a sad way. Like Corey Feldman.

A Brief History of Dapper Danoween

Dapper Danoween is a time to celebrate two things: dignity and waffles.

Some day, someone will be trolling the internet to find the history of this fine people's holiday we call Dapper Danoween, much as I searched the internet to find the origin of Father's Day so I could put it in my dad's card. (Don't bust, please.) Or maybe someone's mom will say, "I don't know what's gotten into you. You don't even know the meaning of Dapper Danoween anymore!" And here nestled among other gems of funny, they will find the modest origins of this joyful time.

Unlike many holidays which lack substance, style, and meaning, Dapper Danoween is a holiday for the people. All people.

Dapper Danoween was first introduced during a game of Taboo. The key word was Pilgrims. For M!'s part as clue-giver, he said " A chain of Houston dry cleaners," and "Related to a fall holiday." While some might correctly interpret his clues as Pilgrim Cleaners and Thanksgiving, I chose instead, after time was called, to mention to his teammate that I thought it was probably Dapper Danoween he was talking about, invoking the name of Dapper Dan dry cleaners and of course, Halloween. Dapper Danoween was instantly praised and June 29 was declared to be Dapper Danoween, forevermore.

Dapper Danoween traditions: Like any holiday, Dapper Danoween must have its own traditions. Like it's forebear, Halloween, a costume of sorts was deemed most appropriate dress--but what? To reflect the themes of dignity and the people, the tuxedo t-shirt was adopted as the official Dapper Danoween attire. To celebrate dignity further, M! will be providing the first Dapper Danoween toast. (Please note that in keeping with the dignity of all people, a roast is not appropriate on this occasion.) The official drink of Dapper Danoween will be the German Radler (beer and lemon fizzy stuff) and the official food: the waffle. (Waffles became an integral part of DD when we decided that something besides dignity should be the order of the day and waffles kept coming up. And aside from candy, it's about the only food most of us agree on. A radler party was already planned before the inception of DD, but was easily assimilated to the occasion.) Finally, because it is a movie of the people, the beloved classic Goonies will also be shown. Other games, festivities, good friends, and good times are expected to abound.

How will you celebrate Dapper Danoween? Share your stories here!

P.S. Dapper Dan is in keeping with the MaryT standard of "just like the other kids...but a little bit different."

P.P.S. The co-founders of Dapper Danoween are aware that June 29 means DD is a summer holiday, and not a Fall one, as suggested by M!'s Taboo clue.

One Singular Sensation

Before moving to my new apartment (when does it stop being new? A: when I start hating it.) and a cable-free existence, I used to be quite a fan of the Bachelor(ette). And by quite a fan, I mean freakishly obsessed. Aside from Thursday Must-See TV ( it was must see after all!) I didn't watch anything else on tv with any kind of regularity. But for the Bachelorette, I was a regular on the message boards and always checking the web site and chatting online with other fans. After reviewing the web site extensively, and you know I have, I'd like to comment on the Bachelor/Bachelorette profiles.

Of the contestants, there is always some question like--why do you think you'd make a good match for Trista/Andrew/Fat Bob ? The answer is always, always, always something incredibly hokey like "I'm ready for that next chapter in my life." Oh! Here's another good one--"I have already had so much fun, so I think I am ready to settle down with someone."

And now I will spew comment: I'm sorry, but have these people listened to too many commencement addresses? Our lives are not in chapters. These are the kind of people who talk about "journaling" and have a quote like "Life is a journey, not a destination," taped up at their cubicles. Hi. Mr. Originality called. He's crying. He's clearly already taken out a restraining order on you because you never seem to cross paths. And further, what's the deal with no longer having any fun after you get married? If it sucks so bad compared to your awesome bar-hopping, thong-wearing, womanizing existence, why do it? As much as ABC and all these other networks flaunt these rather attractive schmoes as being "quality, *non-desperate* singles," these people (who all seem to be in some mysterious sort of "sales") should just put what they really mean and understand about themselves: I'm afraid of dying alone.

MaryT is back and she's dolin' out the cold, hard truth.

Walk softly, but carry a party hat...

Well, I had been so excited about my blog's birthday. I was going to plan a blogstravaganza and so on as of a week ago, and then I forgot it and had to be reminded (Thanks, E) in my comments section.

Is it any wonder? Where is the old, funny Mary T? She must be behind the sofa with Jesus, for those of you looking for him, too.

So anywhoaroo, happy birthday blog! One year old: crazy-go-nuts.
This weekend: fun and birthday poll.

Does anyone think I can make a come back considering the past few months? I must.

Rice Wins!

Congratulations Rice Men's Baseball: 2003 NCAA National Champions!

For those of you who missed it, Rice beat Stanford 14-2 in Game 3 of the College World Series tonight. It was a beautiful thing--and this from a woman known for saying, "I hate sports."

Jemima Puddleduck

So I've been/am sick again. Yes, that's two weeks in a row. It's like if I can't come up with something better to do, I just start boiling over with fever. A bit bored? How about some nausea?!

I'm really not enjoying being sick, so I swear when I start spending my weekends sans cold cloth and stomach cramps, my blog will be so funny, you'll forget how funny I used to be.

And as you all know, I used to be funny.

A big shout out to my mom for coming to take care of me this weekend and for getting me the new Harry Potter. It's a sick girl's dream-- a real pageturner and a mom administering first aid.

"You better tell yourself, Ducky, you're really quite lucky. Did I ever tell you just how lucky you are?" (Name the source; win a prize.)

P.S. According to my mom, a veritable storehouse of knowledge, the original Aunt Jemima is rumored to be from a rural town in East Texas right next to mine. With Aunt J and Sissy Spacek, we are so the latest thing. Now not another damn uppity word, Mrs. Butterworth!

Let's Get Stupid

I was cc'd on an email today in which a person asked the time difference between California and Connecticut.

Excuse me? Excuse me!

I know they're not teaching tons in school these days, but it's not like this is Russia with its 11 time zones. It's not like she inquired about Ohio or so, which I am not 100% on its particular time zone. It's freakin' East Coast vs. West Coast.

It may seem like I am making a big deal out of this, and I probably am, but it just reminds me how uncommon common sense is.

Note: East Coast is three hours ahead, you mo-ron. If it's 9 pm in Cali, it's safe to assume that New Yorkers are enjoying such things as midnight.

P.S. Even confusing 12 am and 12 pm is not as moronic as this.

RAR.

A Point of Cynicism

When people say to you in passing, after you have shared a bit of bad news with them, that you/your pal/your uncle's monkey are in their prayers, do they actually mean it?

Do they even pray?

And if they do, will they remember you?

What if God was one of us? (Though, I'd like to make an example of Joan Osborne here for not using the subjunctive when she should have.) So I ask you-- what if God *were* one of us? "Bloo bloo bloo bloo bloo bloo bloo....do da babba dee." (Dr. Evil, a-thank you)

"She is not as ugly as your cousin"

This was the title of a spam email I got today. If you guessed it was porn-related, you are quick, too!

But can we keep my cousin out of this? That's just grossy.

Couch Potatoes in Paradise

And now, a salute to my roommate S., who co-opted with me in watching multiple hours of stupid television on the one channel (Fox) that we only kinda/sorta get. Often I asked--is that so and so? She: Well, it looks like him, but it's too fuzzy to tell.

Okay, so on Fox, there's this new reality show (never heard that one before, huh?) and basically it's a bunch of hot peops (wow! it's like nothing ever done before!) and the twist is every week, one of the at-home viewers joins these "sexy singles" at hotel paradise, or wherever they are. I'm sorry, but the average couch potato--not so sexy. Seriously. Who wants to watch a show with fat butts from places like Normal, Illinois? (No offense, Normaliens.)

As far as at-home viewers go, I don't think I'm terrible to look at, but does that mean I am going to wear a skimpy bikini in front of all y'all peops? I wouldn't even let Molly Pup see me in one of those, and this is coming from a person whose dog lies on the bathroom rug while I'm...going.

The point is, inviting your average viewer on the island or wherever? This could get seriously grossy. I now return to my regularly-scheduled convalescence and the cave of sickness that is my room.

Sick Duck

I am sick. Stay tuned. :(

A Hell of a Town...

Well everyone, I am back from Stamford/New York, and for right now,the most I can say is that I survived. My feet hurt. My heart is broken. And I am beyond exhausted.

But...I learned something about people. Real friends stand by you when you need them most and mine did just that this week. To the ones I called in the wee hours, to those that kept me adrift physically, and emotionally with phone calls and goofy text messages, you're all very special, very kind people. For those of you who I didn't call on, I am sure your turn is coming, so look alive. :)

More news later. I'll be back in Houston tomorrow.

P.S. NYC was still pretty cool, all crappiness aside.
P.P.S. Special thanks to Eldge and her bf, J. for getting me drunk in Greenwich Village last night. I way needed a drink...or a pitcher.

Have Expensive Education, Will Work for Peanuts

So I hate to be the one gajillionth person to whine about the job market but seriously: tough crowd. I believe I have expressed this before, but I think it bears repeating because it has gotten worse. F*ck internships. Seriously.

Internships are most companies way of saying: we will work you like the unexperienced dog that you are and we will pay you nothing. You have to eat? Mwahahaha! As if we care!

Well Mom and Dad, I hope you're proud. Many thousands of dollars later, my expensive education allows me to read 3rd grade level books to children while I baby-sit them. And to this bear market: f*ck all y'all. Thanks.

"Ya done a great jaerb there, hamstray."

Stuff in a Man's Refrigerator or "Man, I feel like a woman. Oh-oh bay-bay!"

spoiled milk
beer
vitamins
cheez whiz
fresh eggs
spoiled eggs
spoiled sour cream
econo-size butter spread
ketchup
ginseng supplements

Barferoo. I'm hungry.

A note from Apu: "Thank You, Steal Again"

Some of you may know, I am in Connecticut visiting PBRG. As you also know, I am from Texas, known to many as the friendly state. Hello, culture shock. Yesterday, PBRG and I went to this place that looked like an oversized convenient store, but was actually the grocery store, to get some brownie mix.

Mmm...brownies.

Anywho, we ran into no less than 5 total a-holes. There were probably more, but as I say, we were only buying brownie mix. First, we're wandering around looking for the mix and for no reason at all, this woman looks at PBRG and gives him a lecture about keeping to the right in grocery store aisles. "Isn't that how it works?" she concluded very irritatedly.PBRG gets mad props for his response: "Be nice." I was not aware that there were any commissioners or departments governing supermarket traffic. I wonder if we would get yelled at in England for not standing left while purchasing baked goods. No, probably not. Why? Because I think a-holeism is only this prevalent in the tri-state area.
Then, while trying to get one of those stupid discount cards that every sucky grocery store requires (I salute H-E-B and Whole Foods for not hopping on to the loyalty card bandwagon.) , the guy is a serious jerk to PBRG, all the while I keep mumbling: Don't give your real address. Don't tell them that. And the like. I'm sorry, they need my driver's license number? How about: no?
Then these two checkers got into a fight and this other cashier gave me the staring equivalent of the finger when I switched lines. It was horrible. I felt vulnerable, but mostly, I felt homesick. In Texas, especially in Mineolapalooza where I'm from, if you make a corny joke about your potato chips, your cashier may not even get it, but by God, you are going to see each and every one of the teeth she is missing and she is going to say thanks for stopping by; come back again when you leave. Even if you're an a-hole.

And a note to anyone planning on moving to NYC: Purchase gratuitous amounts of black for your wardrobe and practice an expression that looks like you're never not in a hurry, but always bored with *everything.*

Me and 8 year old boy on the plane Friday: "Look everyone! You can see the statue of Liberty from here!"

There are things in life worth being excited about and it's always worth it to be nice. So be nice today, neighbor.