A Résumé Worth Viewing Again and Again

I'm all about original material, here at F-R and I think I posted a link to this once before, but this is something that's important to me, so I hope at least a couple of people will have their eyes opened by this.

George W. Bush's Résumé
I attacked and took over two countries.

I spent the US surplus and bankrupted the US Treasury.

I shattered the record for the biggest annual deficit in history (not
easy!).

I set an economic record for the most personal bankruptcies filed in
any
12 month period.

I set all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the stock
market.

I am the first president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.

I am the first president in US history to enter office with a criminal
record.

In my first year in office I set the all-time record for most days on
vacation by any president in US history (tough to beat my dad's, but I did).

After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, I presided
over
the worst security failure in US history.

I set the record for most campaign fund raising trips by any president
in
US history.

In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their
jobs.

I cut unemployment benefits for more out-of-work Americans than any
other
president in US history.

I set the all-time record for most real estate foreclosures in a
12-month
period.

I appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than
any
president in US history.

I set the record for the fewest press conferences of any president
since
the advent of TV.

I signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than
any other US president in history.

I presided over the biggest energy crisis in US history and refused to
intervene when corruption was revealed.

I cut health care benefits for war veterans. I set the all-time record
for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest
me (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any
person in the history of mankind.

I dissolved more international treaties than any president in US
history.

I've made my presidency the most secretive and unaccountable of any in
US
history.

Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in US
history.

I am the first president in US history to have all 50 states of the
Union
simultaneously struggle against bankruptcy.

I presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud in any market
in
any country in the history of the world.

I am the first president in US history to order a US attack and
military
occupation of a sovereign nation, and I did so against the will of the
United Nations and the vast majority of the international community.

I have created the largest government department bureaucracy in the
history of the United States.

I set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending
increases,
more than any other president in US history (Ronnie was tough to beat, but
I did it!!).

I am the first president in US history to compel the United Nations
remove the US from the Human Rights Commission.

I am the first president in US history to have the United Nations
remove
the US from the Elections Monitoring Board.

I removed more checks and balances, and have less congressional
oversight, than any presidential administration in US history.

I rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.

I withdrew from the World Court of Law.

I refused to allow inspectors access to US prisoners of war and by
default no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions.

I am the first president in US history to refuse United Nations
election
inspectors access during the 2002 US elections.

I am the all-time US (and world) record holder for most corporate
campaign donations.

The biggest lifetime contributor to my campaign, who is also one of my
best friends, presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds
in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation).

I spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in US
history.

I am the first president to run and hide when the US came under attack
(and then lied, saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1).

I am the first US president to establish a secret shadow government.

I took the world's sympathy for the US after 9/11, and in less than a
year made the US the most resented country in the world (possibly the
biggest diplomatic failure in US and world history).

I am the first US president in history to have a majority of the
people
of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and
stability.

I changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded
government
contracts.

I set the all-time record for the number of administration appointees
who
violated US law by not selling their huge investments in corporations
bidding for government contracts.

I have removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than
any
other president in US history.

I have created the most divided country in decades, possibly the most
divided that the US has been since the Civil War.

I entered office with the strongest economy in US history and in less
than two years turned every single economic category heading straight down.


RECORDS AND REFERENCES:


I have at least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas
driving
record has been erased and is not available).

I was AWOL from the National Guard and deserted the military during
time
of war.

I refuse to take a drug test or even answer any questions about drug
use.

All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away
to
my daddy's library, sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or
bankrupt
companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

All minutes of meetings of any public corporation for which I served
on
the board are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP) attended regarding
public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.


Are you sickened yet? I am.

HOWARD DEAN IN 2004!

"Hey Lloyd, See you around sometime...maybe."

I've been at home for a few days now and in an effort to tune my brother out, I am picking up anything and everything that can mask my constant eyerolling and direct my attention elsewhere. Included in this desperate reading scramble are my high school yearbooks.

Okay, so here I am 5 1/2 years out from my high schoool graduation and here are my reflections on things people wrote. To my credit, I never found them especially poetic when they were contemporaneous, but it is only recently that I have pronounced them: profoundly ridiculous in their promises and sentiment.

A girl from Indonesia who was new during my second semester senior year (by which time I had basically written off school and was a full-time watcher of the Wonder Years re-runs), bringing my acquaintance with her to a very distant 4-5 months, declared that I had "change my life with you crazy laugh," and that one day "she visit me at the Rices."

I know. I know. I'm being harsh. Her English was not so much of the good, but honestly, the native speakers: no more impressive.

A girl I had considered a close, personal friend in the early days of high school (though she later became an alcoholic and not coincidentally, a degenerate) quickly jotted (quoting a popular movie from 9th grade,Hackers): "Hack the planet! LYLAS, 0 (zero) Cool."

Well, zero cool is right, at least.

From a girl who I (correctly)believed to be a filthy ho: "Thank you for always believing in me. Your support has always been one of the sources of my sucsess [sic]." Now, were that a sarcastic remark, I'd actually probably find it hilarious and my memories of her asinine, ho-bag personality would fade a little. But, in fact, it was completely "sincere" and all I can think now is: What success? I mean: What sucsess?

I know what you're thinking: MaryT, you're an asshole.
And you're right. This is something I'm working on.

In my own defense, you have no idea what a total two-faced ho-bag this girl was to me. One example is the time she came up to me at the end of the year after the announcement of class rank (which came even after the yearbook signing, though only just) when I was told I was the valedictorian (and she the salutatorian) and said: You know, if it hadn't been for you, I would have been the Valedictorian. I had a much better grade than you in Calculus!

My response was cruel and I regret it to this day, but as rueing my personal gaffs has never prevented me from posting them here before, I will do as much now. "I think if it hadn't been for *you,* you would have been Valedictorian. I know you think your grade in Calculus is better than mine since I generally slept or wrote notes in that class, but you would be mistaken in that assumption as you are in your assessment of my academic performance in comparison to yours. There are 16 people in this class, so being the top person is not exactly rocket science, but it is clearly a task that has eluded you. I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul. St Scholastica Academy football...err, field hockey rules!"

Ok, so maybe I embellished a bit.

The point is: go back and read the things people wrote in your high school yearbook. I haven't posted any of the really funny ones here (because I am too lazy to get up and actually get my yearbook for quoting purposes), but you will find hilarity in these once sweet (sickly so) and sentimental passages.

Oh yeah, and mad props to you if you get HALF of the inside jokes scrawled in the margins.

Yule be sorry for this!

Can someone kill my brother please?

No, seriously.

I'm not being funny.

He's a prick.

Umm. Ow.

I just got bitten/stung by this thing and I think my foot is about to fall off.



Be careful when taking the garbage out in your slippers. (I guess.)

Also, not sure what is up with the photo blogging lately, but a picture *is* worth 1000 words you know and by the time I get around to blogging these days, if ever, I have about 2 minutes before I start snoozing at my keyboard. So anyway, see you after the holiday rush and my nervous breakdown (maybe).

Well, I did it.

This car will be parked in my driveway in one week. :)

Chats I've Been Needing to Have

...but have been too busy/too whimpy/too something to have.

To the guys with goatees

Huddle up guys. This one's for you. NOOOOOO!
Okay. So. Who does a goatee look good on?
If you're Tom Cruise, you may raise your hand at this time. (Why? Because at no time--no time-- does Tom Cruise look unattractive. He's tried. It can't happen.)
Basically everyone else, cut that shit out! I am so sick of seeing them. They just make you look like lame-o clubbers who peddle cell phones by day or someone worse, if there is anyone worse.

I am fully aware the some of my friends have had/have goatees, but guys, seriously. Yay for you! You can grow facial hair! That was cool when we were in high school (because I went to a girls' school and din't have to see your lame selves), but come on, NO.

Goatees do not make you:
-look more svelte
-look more mature
-invisible to the FBI
-more attractive to the preferred sex (unless you are attracted to people with icky taste)
-more macho, nor give you any kind of machismatic (?) edge.

Thanks. I'm glad we did this.

---

People who have interviewed me

Miss Manners. My Mother. Dear Abby. What do these women all have in common? Their hearts are breaking at your total disregard for common courtesy and business ettiquette.

1. When you draw out my interviewing process for 6 weeks and upon extending me an offer *over my CELL PHONE* (at last!) act horrified when I ask for a week to consider it, I find that annoying, but mostly inconsiderate. You took your time. I am allowed due process.

2. When you stalk me via phone and email to have me come in to interview and I send you a polite and thoughtful *handwritten* thank you note for meeting with me (for an interview I didn't ask for!), it is considered poor form never to call me back AT ALL.

Corollary: When you stalk me via phone and email trying to get me to interview and I send a polite, prompt email (the next day) accepting, it is considered poor form to email me back one MONTH later asking me when I am available for said interview. It shows a complete disregard and lack of respect for the value of my time, which you were all too eager to pay top dollar for not so long ago.

And to people who haven't been interviewing me, but are in general completely boorish in their lack of refinement and civility, I offer the following advice.
-Start reading Dear Abby, Dear Prudence, and/or Miss Manners, (perhaps a Jane Austen novel or two), STAT!
-There is no substitute for a warm, sincere, handwritten thank you note. Don't forget them. And by the same token, sincerity and kindness are never inappropriate.

Manners. Matter.
( and now back to my regularly scheduled curse-fest)
----

Cats who pee anywhere they please for the sheer sake of grieving their owners
Frances T., I'm looking at you. E. will probably find your behavior hilarious, but that is because she is disposed to liking naughty cats.

In any case, you knew when you came to live with me that I am not really a cat person. Even so, I have afforded you every luxury: a fresh, raw diet, newly-upholstered furniture to claw/ruin, a non-annoying collar, an assortment of my own fleece garments in the laundry basket for you to make into fur coats, shopping bags to hop in and out of and eventurally shred, a cardboard scratchy thing for you to lay/roll on while you're tripping on catnip, occasional slices of pizza, whole sticks of butter, corn cobs, and at our last apartment: an endless supply of gigantic, motherfucking rats.

I admit, I have my shortcomings as a cat owner. (Cat friend?) I like Molly much better than you (you know it's true) and I sometimes allow her to chase you (although in my defense, I allow you to claw and hiss at her if the fancy strikes you, as her comeuppance). I keep your litter box outside (though on the covered portion of the deck!) because frankly, I'm sick of keeping poop in a box in my house. I find it annoying and often push you away when you purr endlessly and try to lay on my keyboard, but I do not freak out when there is hair ALL over my keyboard.

Frankie. Goddamnit! STOP PEEING EVERYWHERE, YOU WHORE!

Do you have any idea how pungent cat pee is? Methinks you have a clue! I used an old towel once to clean it and then put it in the hamper and by the next morning, every piece of clothing in there, plus my entire room smelled horribly, unmistakeably acrid in the way only cat pee can. (As a side note, dog pee and human pee are no rosewater, but they don't hold a candle to cat pee.) Don't you remember how you gloated as I lit every candle in this house, opened every window, and prayed to God to make the smell go away?

I am sick of this. Especially since you know I'll never give you away. Bitch.

Cats are such assholes.

---

Blogger
Hey, if you guys are such geniuses, how about you take a break from masturbating and self-congratulatory posting to tell me why when your service "improved" when you got rid of Blogger Pro, I, a paying Blogger Pro customer got a MUCH shittier posting form. PCs get spellcheck and calendars and all kinds of crazy accoutrement, but Mac users get a blogging form that is in big blocks with huge lettering, like it was specifically designed for Kindergarten Blogging. (I am well aware that many people are going to think snide things about Mac users being simpletons who need their hands held, but if you'll excuse me, I am so already one step ahead of you, you smarmy bastards. And my response is: Your chat is coming up.)

And by the way Blogger, since you've introduced the "new" Blogger, many bloggers (me included) have had serious coding issues with our blogs and in response to this: you remove every decent template from your web site so once again, we are left with kindergarten style blogs.

Thanks a lot. And fuck you.

Not really though. I like Blogger (much like I really like my cat). Bitches.
---

And that concludes our chats for now. I feel much better.

But it's not like it doesn't EXIST!

Who says Houston doesn't have seasons? Why, it's a beautiful autumn day outside and some of the leaves are starting to turn and fall about. It's even what some might call *blustery.* Ah yes, Fall in Houston.

Coming December 15th.

Uhhhh....

At the request of M!....

So it's a real tragedy I don't have time to blog at work because i think of freaking hilarious stuff at work to blog about, but even if I write myself a sticky note about it, by the time I get home, the humor in it has lost its momentum with me and it's kind of like re-telling yourself a joke several hours later. Doesn't really work. Well anyway, I didn't have time to complete this the other day, but I wrote myself an email at work so I could blog about this later. This is how far I got. It's not really that funny, but I'm sure you're all sick of the big mouthed freaks. I know I am. (Quiet peanut gallery. I'll give no audience to jokes about me having a big mouth.)

Traffic
a poem by MaryT

Traffic is all around us.
In the winter, sometimes it's cold...

Just kidding.

Without further ado: Traffic, observations by MaryT
The following rules of traffic, I am not making up.
 
The state of Texas requires all Texas vehicles to have a license plate. Two, even. Not so much of the optional.
 
When there is a left turn lane, it's probably a bad idea to turn left from a non-left turn lane. There's a possibility that you might hit a car that is actually in the proper lane, like my car, for example.
 
Dear Police,
I know. I know. You enforce the rules, but you don't have to follow them. However, the rest of us are just trying to stay alive, so if you could NOT try to move into the left turn lane of the opposite direction of cars when it's occupied by other vehicles, like, say, mine for example, who are, once again, in the appropriate lane, I'd appreciate it.

Excuse me Yahoo Personals, but....

these peoples' mouths are open unnaturally wide.

And I find it frightening.

Please stop appearing in my yahoo email.