A Few Things That Are Totally Unacceptable

1. If someone, like me for instance, is wearing a shirt that has her name on the back, do NOT feel free to just call it out, whether you know them or not. Do you have any idea how many times this happened at Target a couple of hours ago? And to my friends who are laughing at this: shut up. Yeah.

2. My cell phone has NO and by no, I mean ZERO non-chickyboom ringtones. I couldn't take the blue jazz guy being like "wan, too, thray, fo!" anymore, so I went back to listen to my choices to figure out why I had picked that in the first place. Aside from the T-Mobile jingle, ALL of my choices have some kind of crazy back beat, even trhe ones that are labeled, simply enough, bells 1-3. I don't even have just a regular phone ringing option. And then I went to the T-Mobile web site to download something different and you can only get rings if you subscribe to T-Zones which is a monthly subscription of games, pictures, ringtones, etc. I am SO not about giving them more of my money. Clearly, the reason the pictures and ringtones are so crappy on the original phone is that they want people to join this completely superfluous service, but they'll not be getting my money. The scalawags! And speaking of MY money, *I* paid for this phone. It was certainly not handed to me on a csilver platter. And the "loyalty discount" was like $20, whereas new customers got like $150 off. And I couldn't just quit and re-sign up because they keep you in the system for 30 days. Yeah, they TOTALLY value my loyalty. I am about to shove my loyalty right up their asses.

ARGH!!!

I am so sick of being bossed around. I hate cell phones. I hate contracts. I hate stupid polyphonic ring tones (signing up for t-zones entitles me to such ring tone wonders as hits from Justin Timberlake's "Justified" album? Where do I NOT SIGN UP, YOU BITCHES?!!!!)

3. Unknown callers on my caller ID. They call, I answer, and then I am expected to wait while I am routed to someone who can invade my privacy after the computer has recognized I've answered the phone? How about NO, Scott?! So today, unknown caller kept calling me at my private residence and I would answer and no one was there. I hung up immediately. Realizing perhaps that their stupid computers had been foiled, I received THREE subsequent phone calls of exactly the same. In a row. Perhaps the reason my home phone is not working very well is because it lives in fear of the day I will light it up like a firecracker and send it crashing into my backyard in a fit of rage.

Why are drug companies making so much money off the mentally ill? Because the world is driving everyone INSAAAAAAAAAAANE!


In conclusion, do NOT call out my name if you don't know me; you're not funny. You're a damn irritant. And secondly, T-Mobile, you are so about to get a nasty letter from me.

And all that goes TRIPLY for you, Bally Total Fitness!

And finally: I blame teenagers. For everything.

A Little Note about Biore Strips

They expire.

Yeah.

P.S. My title bar won't allow Bioré. Alas.

Where've you been?

I've looked for you forever and a daaaay. Where've you been? I'm just not myself when you're away.

Dear friends,

I always hate these posts that say something to the effect of "sorry I haven't written anything for awhile because I am clearly not going to say anything now." Ever the hypocrite: Sorry i haven't written anything for awhile because I am clearly not going to say anything now.

It's been a weird little while for me. I've been feeling very contemplative, but have yet to express the matters of contemplation in my usual smart-ass way. I actually came up with a bunch of good material on the drive back from Mineola last weekend and then promptly forgot it. I have tried carrying a tape recorder, but the material always winds up stale when I try to use it at the incorrect moment.

Writing is a very cathartic thing for me and while I am generally a frequent purger, I have been saving up lately. I'm just not in the mood to purge. My writing is a lot like my face in that it will give me away every time. I don't want any of you to ever think, or me to feel that I am not getting the greatest joy from writing. Moreover, I don't want to do ti when it's not going to make me swell with the energy that the activity brings. It's not always a happy joy. Sometimes it's a more of a relief, like the quick high you get from emptying a full bladder. But once again, I'm not ready and I can't be pushed. I am sure that, given time, I will soon be vomiting up spiteful bile all over the internet and be back to normal.

I have been posting a bit on Houston Craigslist, and emailing people I am generally bad about keeping in touch with, but nothing really to interest my readers who have grown to love the hostile, yet loveable internet personality I have become.

All of this is to say, I haven't forgotten about you. I'm coming back, and I am still sarcastic, cantankerous, and verbose. Don't you worry.

Love,
MaryT

Time to Worry! I'm starting fights on the internet again....

I read this post about puppies for sale (and several other like it) on Craigslist. I was, of course, appalled and posted this (text below):

Puppies for Sale
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to:
Date: 2004-03-09, 4:22PM CST



How horrifying!

You have cocker spaniels, english bulldogs, poodles--animals out the wazoo. There are already so many without homes without you contributing to the problem.

You are irresponsible and disgusting. These are living, breathing things that you brought into this world exclusively to make money off of.

You sicken me.

Karma is a bitch.

DON'T BREED OR BUY WHILE SHELTER ANIMALS DIE.

The original poster selling puppies and I exchanged the following emails:

puppyhater@hotmail.com wrote:

I somewhat agree with you, however, The reason people
buy puppies is to raise them, we are not to blame for
wanting a puppy, to raise. Would you say the same for
a baby. I think most people would rather raise a baby
than an orphan child that is already set in its ways.
I have a puppy here for sale. Not to make money off of
but to make sure it's going to a safe home where it
will be taken care of.

your comment is valid but has no real point!

maryt@angry.org wrote:
Plenty of shelters have puppies for adoption and the
money goes to benefit other animals in need.

You are making excuses for your shameful business,
perhaps trying to convince yourself that what you are
doing is not completely despicable. You *are* to blame
for encouraging others in this practice and for using
innocent lives to do it. You are anxious to shift the
blame away from yourself, but it is you who makes the
choices in your own life.

Your puppy is not to make money? Oh really? Then why
was it born? The safest home for that puppy would be
to have never been born at all. No one breeds puppies
to ensure more puppies have safe homes. That is a
circular argument. Responsible breeders do so to
improve a particular breed, and not whatever breed is
the hottest. They take in rescues and they home every
one of their puppies before it is even born.

What you are doing is backyard breeding and people who
know anything about dogs know that you are an amateur
playing god for cash.

And that is shameful.

Comparing babies to puppies is not legitimate as they
are NOT the same. No one has baby mills, churning them
out for profit because such a horrible and appalling
practice would instantly catch the eye of every news
and lawmaker in the world. You are perpetuating
something perhaps not as abominable, but a monstrosity
none the less.

puppyhater@hotmail.com wrote:
Ok. so than go to a shelter and adopt them all..and
get on with your own life...there are too many "OTHER"
real problems in the world to worry about yours!

GOOD DAY!

maryt@angry.org wrote:
There wouldn't be so many problems if people like you
weren't making work for the rest of us that are
responsible and do care.

No one can adopt them all and that's why so many die.
And people like you are who we have to thank.

Good luck living with yourself!
-------------------


Can someone please pass my blood pressure medication? I need to stop looking for trouble. Oh man am I hopping mad!

Have You Seen Us?

Meet my bar-going personalities (BGP). Have you seen us before?

I- Spy-An-Irritant Funny Girl: ISAIFG is generally the me that goes to every bar. Fresh-faced, clean lungs, good spirits ISAIFG will order a round for friends, offer good-humored commentary on mullet statistics, the likelihood that another patron owns multiple pairs of acid-wash jeans. Ever the careful observer, ISAIFG is quick to discern unlikely hilarity from, for example, man making out with two girls in darkened corner, while remaining on his cell phone. ISAIFG is never seen with male admirers. While the most personable of all the bar personalities, ISAIFG is what I tell you: a great personality, i.e. the funny friend. Like all superheroes, ISAIFG has her kryptonite and is not usually able to withstand excessive smoke, gratuitous touching by strangers (or any touching by strangers, actually) and is therefore *rarely* a person seen leaving a bar. For persons seen leaving bars, see: HSC, HWG, IRCOMOATSHW.

Hostile Sarcastic Chick: HSC generally makes an appearance in smaller groups and is triggered, nay fed, from Cheesy Drunk Man/men (CDM) who often employ a sens-u-al mass-age with the phrase "Girl, you need to relax!" as their M.O. HSC shuts down this game *immediately*, cruelly, and if you're an onlooker: hilariously. HSC is a favorite among friends, despite the occasional awkwardness that is being the companion(s) of the biggest ice princess in so many square feet. HSC sometimes leaves bars, but should be carefully monitored for signs of HWG. Amazingly, of all the BGP, HSC attracts the most male attention, but only in the following categories: 1) That girl is a fucking bitch, so stand back. 2) That girl is fucking riot and I wonder what would happen if I sent over my Napoleon-syndrome friend/if she does bachelor parties/if I can talk to her or if she's more likely kick me in the nuts. 3) Victim at the mercy of verbal venom.

Horrified Wallflower Girl: HWG is the one you see from across the bar, appearing as though she has nails through her epaulettes (if she had epaulettes) pinning her to the wall as she continually shrinks into it, growing more horrified. HWG usually only appears later in the evening when ISAIFG has had a little too much smoke blown in her general vicinity, the crowd has thickened, the natives have grown restless (and drunk). HWG can be spotted by her sweaty palms, irregular heartbeat and general expression of "There is a hell and this is it."

I'd Rather Cut Off My Own Arm Than Stay Here Woman: IRCOMOATSHW is one to watch out for. The rarest of the personalities, she is only ever seen leaving bars. The neuroses of IRCOMOATSHW are complicated indeed, but basically boil down to the fact that she is so uncomfortable, horrified, panicked, agitated, et al. that she would rather cut off her own arm than remain in the bar venue. IRCOMOATSHW does not agree to go to other bars. IRCOMOATSHW can only be asked to rest in the privacy of her own home or on a lengthy fresh-air walk with her therapist, Molly Dogg. Some tell-tale signs that IRCOMOATSHW might make an appearance are HWG exhibiting some or all of the following behaviors: plugging her ears from excessive noise, uncontrollable coughing, a general glazed, blank, but panicked look of terror. IRCOMOATSHW is not to be trifled with. Do not joke with her. Do not ask her for five more minutes. Do not poke her in the eye with a stick. She is a desperate woman and should be taken home immediately or hysteria/violence could ensue. IRCOMOATSHW is nobody's fool.

There are only a few bars I can stand/enjoy and I plan to attend only those in the future. Should you meet any of these personalities (aside from ISAIFG) in the future (and occasionally HSC), you will know that I have broken my new pact with myself, which is: no more fucking bars.

We thank you.

Morning Announcements

- 900 year-old candy-striper lady: you are awesome.

- 11ty gajillion peops waiting in the drive-thru line at Starbucks: Please note how I parked and walked into the Starbucks in front of the silver Passat. Please note that when I walked out with my coffee *3-4 minutes later*, I walked in front of the same Passat, which was, incidentally, scarcely to be seen wedged between the Chevy Behemoth in front and the Ford Mammoth which was blocking both the drive-thru line and hey! all of West Gray. I know it's drizzling, but just say yes to getting out of your car and using your legs*. Oh, and say no to drugs, as always.

- Peops in aqua colored cars with Estereo Latino stickers: Are you unionized? Is one of the by-laws of your union to go significantly under the speed limit, while maintaining your position in the extreme middle of even the widest two-lane roads? You better hope there's not a strike in your crap car union, or I'll beat your scab ass.

- Dude in the PT Cruiser: Going 60 down a neighborhood street? I wish *I* could be so cool.

Thanks for your attention. See you Monday in homeroom.

*Handi-chapped people excepted.