Number 2 Happens

I was recently tagged, which appears to be going around like herpes, both here and on myspace. In this tagging, one is requested to post six weird, but little known items about themselves. I began to respond to the challenge (as I enjoy responding to challenges) and found a couple of problems.

• I have a big mouth, so if something is little known about me, I am probably not going to share it with the public. Unfortunately, though I love my fans, many undesirables also read this blog.
  
• I had no intention of suggesting other people do this at my behest. I sometimes like to pretend I am a good sport, but the fact of the matter is: I'm not really a good sport. I guess you can add that to my things. So this is as far as I got.

1. Unlike some kids who had imaginary friends (I had one named Penelope), I also had an imaginary enemy. His name was Travelino. I used to big-time smack talk that fool. He was often written up on my sun porch chalkboard even and I never let him have a turn on my trike or set him a place at tea parties. Want to bury the hatchet, eh Trav? Too bad. I will write you up again if you say one word.

2.I don't like being told what to do. I am typically so obstinate as to do a total 180 on a task that I may have wanted to do, but will now not do simply because I would rather accuse people of attempting to be the boss of me and letting them know that I'll have none of it.

I can't really get past this. Number two looms large in my mind.

In the meantime, I recently purchased a kayak and I LOVE it. It is red, of course. More news to come. Thanks for stopping by. K o F is not the boss of me and unless you are Erin, you aren't either.

I Knew This Day Would Come

My third generation iPod finally kicked it today. Rest in peace, friend.

But seriously, I feel like I've lost my constant work-time companion. :(

EDIT: WHOA! Wait a minute. It's alive. Barely. Man, what a gem!

EDIT 2: Okay, it only maintains a song for like two second gaps. I am back to being depressed.

A Daily Dose of WTF

I just went over to Spec's during my lunch break to take care of some errands (by which of course I mean purchasing liquor) and I decided I would stop into the Spec's deli for a sandwich I have been hearing so much about. Much to my dismay, they were closed, but as Spec's is a wonderland of all things delicious, I picked out a few things that seemed extra delicious to me.

• Amy's cheese enchilada microwave dinner (with black beans and corn)--so good
  
• Apricot yogurt
  
• Laughing Cow "Cheese and Baguettes" (i.e. pricey handi-snacks)
  
• Dr. Brown's Cream Soda

Now I had no problem with my selections because I have no problem eating crap. But when the cashier commented "my you're eating healthy today" and wasn't joking around, it really hit me: some people eat a lot of crap.

I think i eat a fair amount of junk food. I am no stranger to candy. The potato chip and hot dog combo is my old friend. But I find that when I get together with people who actually eat a lot of junk food, I am freaking grossed out by their nastiness.

And if people are nasty, that's cool, but it's a huge problem if it's someone I am dating. No names of course, but I dated a dude who almost made me puke every time he ate and ultimately, it would divide us. He'd suggest something and I'd be like: dude. dude. Get out of my house. Memories of some of his culinary feats still make my stomach lurch sometimes. It's pretty much the same as being around people who can't use the past participle. Maybe I will add it to my "why I didn't love you" list. Maybe I should stop thinking out loud.

Okay, so one more thing as a gentle reminder. The federal minimum wage has not changed since 1997--it's $5.15.It's eight and a half years and zero cents later, yo. They even raised it $0.40 between 1996 and 1997 and from my teenage standpoint, I didn't even catch inflation in that period. But I sure have since 1997. WTF, indeed.

In Your FACE!

If you've been to the Kroger on West Gray lately, you've probably seen the giant LCD tvs that are on every aisle and above major displays. Actually, how can you miss them? If you don't pay attention to them, they will tap you on the shoulder repeatedly until you practically lash out and/or relent.

They're calling this harrass-o-vision "Kroger In-Store" to supposedly help you get helpful recipes, beauty tips and the like. I think we all know it's simple in-your-face advertising. They're also at the front of every checkout lane.

Last night I was standing in a rather long line and I was watching this thing loop (I was there a long time and I didn't see a single recipe or "tip." Shocking.). I asked the cashier if it bothered her and she said she just tuned it out. I asked her if she could turn it off and she asked why I would want to do that.

Interlude:
"Julia's last name is gonna be Goolia. Julia Goolia--that's funny."
"Why is that funny?"
"I don't know."

I told her it was obnoxious and disturbed my meditative staring/spacing out at Star and People. (She thought this was a joke.) I asked the bagger, after I asked him for "paper please" if it bothered him. He said he didn't pay attention to anything. And that was the truth since my next question was "Is that why all of my groceries are in plastic bags?" (Another story, but his response was "For real?" I wasn't sure if he was asking me if I wanted him to re-bag or if the groceries were really in plastic bags. It was weird.)

Also, has anyone besides Jen or me noticed this "community room" upstairs? It seems to be of mysterious and possibly dubious use. It is all part of the "new" Kroger, along with the bringing in of musical guests to play smooth jazz on Fridays.

Congratulations Kroger, you are the grand dragon of obnoxious grocery stores. I mean, smooth jazz?! What are you thinking?!

EDIT: Courtesy of KoF, the Kroger complaint hotline: 866-221-4141. Please call.

We can put a man on the moon, but...

May not be appropriate for sensitive readers.

In case you needed a quick reminder, it's 2006. Here's a list of amazing things accomplished at this time: manned space flight, plastic everything, Google chat, cell phones IN your ear, microchips in domesticated pets and so forth.

Can someone please tell me then why the manufacture of a decent bra still confounds the fashion industry? And furthermore, why are there approximately three (if that many) extremely ugly swimsuits that fit people with ample chests on the face of the earth? This is not a new problem and it's not a rare occurrence. My mom was struggling for support in the 50s and her mother before her. Breasts are here to stay, people!

I remember as a young person hearing my mom anxious to get home from some events so she could take her bra off and get some relief. I saw these same bras with cups large enough to be a hat cast off and thought "Well at least it'll never be like that for me." WRONG-O. Welcome to the future, young person.

The kind salesclerk who measured me for a bra last night at Nordstrom kept referring to "the hand I've been dealt." No doubt, sister. Will no one fix this problem? Must anyone with a little extra be forever scarred by cutting straps and bands while enduring back ache and the heart ache that comes from being able to wear exactly two kinds of shirts?

What would it be like if men had more generous mammaries? What then?

Also, is it too much to ask that a few of the larger bras not be 1) a MILLION dollars and 2) suits of armor that look like they'd be just about right for an East German house frau and not a 25-year-old regular person?

Fashion, fix this. I'm tired and hurting. I'll pay. I'll pay whatever you ask! I already do anyway and there's no relief in sight.

Please Look After This Ninja

What kind of country do we live in where you can't even dress like a ninja without arousing government suspicion?

Seriously, the Patriot Act is absurdly out of hand. I don't know whether this is hilarious or devastating.

“Seeing someone with something across the face, from a federal standpoint — that’s not right,” McLemore said, explaining why agents believed something to be amiss.

Umm, attention: NINJA!

P.S. While ninjas are inherently funny/awe-inspiring a la Chuck Norris, I urge you to look closely at the photo of the ATF agent with his knee on this kid's neck. When do we finally say ENOUGH! to the police state we're apparently living in?!

Coming Soon!

An old friend with new ideas. The new F-R is coming soon!

Menace with an Index Finger

Bully for you!

Sometimes, it's time for an intervention and today the time is ripe. I'll just be blunt with this: stop sending stupid forwards. Yes, you heard me and I am not even close to being kidding. It's really not that big of a deal to hit delete and I'm sure your box is being flooded by your grandma or your well-meaning, but uncomfortably religious-in-the-700-club sense aunt (not that I am excusing them, but whatever). But spare me, okay? I really don't find pictures of random, airbrushed, oh-don't-they-do-the-darndest-things toddlers flashing their training pants to be hilarious. But more to the point: I don't enjoy that I am indiscriminantly forwarded these items without regard to my personal feelings on matters. For example, reasoning that we left ourselves wide open for the terrorist attacks of 9/11 because we "kicked God out of our schools and out of our government" is NOT COOL. Most forwards are annoying, but if you're just an annoying person, please show you are somewhat capable of restraint in SOME way before you alienate others outright.

It's one thing to send a forward that's just stupid like a cat asleep in a dog dish, but it's downright presumptuous and rude to assume that others share your narrow-minded political sensibilities or worse: knowing that someone differs from you ideologically to send such a thing anyway! People are always bragging about how much it takes to offend them, but I am not one of those people. I'm offended that you, menace with an email address, think that I would even be "nodding my head in agreement because it's so gosh darn right on."

Is it okay to make horrible racial slurs and be disrespectful of those who choose to partake of religion (or not) in a different way than you or vote for someone else just because there is some kind of large-fonted, multi-colored disclaimer saying that you are a true patriot and have forgone swear words (unlike some of us Philistines!) in favor of heck, gosh and darn? No, it is not and sending this crap to me will not convince me otherwise.

I'm putting the kibosh on your gratuitous use of gosh, your hope that I will take the time to discover my age in chocolate (incidentally, no that formula doesn't just work in 2006 and can work for anything you like to do--or not do-- between one and ten times per week. Hello: enjoy Algebra) and all your "Christian" philosophical waxing. It doesn't sound very Christian to me, pal. It sounds mean as hell, exclusive and un-democratic.

Also, I don't want to sign your petition. I will not--just this once--forward your chain letter because even on my nuttiest day, I don't think for that Bill Gates wishes to send me to Disney World for my kindly action of forwarding or that I can cure cancer by emailing a picture to all of my friends. Don't give me the whole blameless shrug of a line "what could it hurt?" Your friendships--that's what. Forwarded emails are annoying, but getting up in someone's face 8 and 10 times a day with your "helpful" message? BAD.

So how about taking the time today to just deleting stupid email and giving a little nod of respect to people whose email address you happen to have on speed add.

P.S. I'm actually not in a cantankerous mood today, so don't be afraid. I won't bite. I love you all. Rawr!

Big Plans

Caution: crazy woman on the loose.

This weekend, I am buying headphones.

No, you can't stop me. It will be a crazygonuts event. I will not spare the $20! Extravagance, thy name is MaryT!

Sure, I have some headphones--although the term must be applied liberally to include my set. Right now, the cord is so twisty that it barely reaches the approximately eight inches between me and my ipod and is totally obscuring the details of a press release from my vantage point.

The set are the old Sony crapsters that hook over your ear. One of them is missing the foamy cover and the other foamy cover is holier than the Pope's underpants. One of them doesn't even have the shiny plastic outer half-orb thing, so it looks like perhaps after I finished a dinner of Ramen noodles and hard tack, I fashioned a pair from old a/v equipment I found in the dumpster of a local cable access station.

This is the saddest story in the world, but this weekend: it's shiny time.

Quick question: Whatever happened to my free iPod earbuds? I don't know. :(

Weasley is our King!*

Hoooray! Tom DeLay is OUTTA HERE! Except for an indictment, he didn't go quite the way I had imagined in my happy daydreams in which he is kicking and screaming like a petulant child and possibly crying and peeing his pants. Nonetheless, Tom DeLay has stepped down and I am just thrilled.

Maybe, just maybe, America has had enough and we're going to start demanding accountability. I watched Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room last night and I have to tell you it laid me pretty low.

When Ken Lay, Jeff Skilling and Tom DeLay are behind bars getting the old 1-2 from their jailmates, I will be satisfied. I don't endorse prison typically, but I am so tired of these hypocritical jerks shunning the fat avarice that they embody. (I do not advocate avarice at all, obviously. But the hypocrisy makes all this "Conservative Christian" rhetoric suffocating.) Hearing Ken Lay lament the drop of his net worth from $300 million to $20 million of which less than $1 million is liquid made me want to frickin' punch him after all his employees lost everything.

Oh I get so mad--but here's something to celebrate:



Woo woo!


*That's a very special shout out for my Harry Potter posse.

Compulsion to Please Deposit Wastes

I used crate training to teach my dog Molly not to relieve herself in the house. It is a highly effective method based on the correct assumption that an animal will not relieve itself in a confined space because no one wants to sleep in their own poo. Not even dogs. However, I am slightly appalled by how many human beings are only slightly more conscientious (or not) about their immediate environs than the majority of animals.

Now many of my acquaintances would suggest that I take personal fastidiousness to the edge of psychosis, and they are possibly correct. That said, who wishes to wallow in their own detritus?

The reason I ask is because I saw a man walking along Gray this morning. He seemed to have his wits about him, yet at the moment he felt he was no longer in need of his venti starbucks cup, he simply let it go. It fell, as I watched horrorstruck to a soft nesting spot in some groundcover along the AMLI Midtown perimeter. Now, I feel no special affection for AMLI Midtown--quite the opposite in fact. But seriously, there was a trash can in like five feet.

How much energy do you really need to save by not depositing wastes in their proper receptacle? Having stopped right next to his dumping grounds and conveniently having my window down, I made a citizen's...whatever and said "Hey! Pick that up!" I wanted to add "The world isn't your trash can, b-hole," but it seemed slightly inflammatory. So I settled for just making him feel guilty that we were all looking out for each other and the Earth. Nevertheless, this well-dressed man showed me his rude finger.

!!!

Oh, I'm so sorry I suggested that you not spread your filthification to all corners of the land. You better watch out because some day, you will likely be involved in corporate scandal and I might be on a jury of your peers. And you will pay heavily for your infractions against that groundcover and civility. An empty threat, really, but karma is a real bizard.

I guess all this was rambly, but what I really want to say is: what drives people to litter? And further, what prevents them from breaking out in hives when they do it? I could never withstand such aberrations of conscience.