Annual Reminder

There is very little as distasteful to me as cars with wreaths on the front grill and boughs on the luggage wrack. Merry Christmas, bugs.

Sheepish Retraction

Okay, apparently everyone in the known world owns a bone folder, except for me and Meg who do not know what they are (well, I do now). However, had we known what they were before, we surely would have owned one (Meg, you know what you can expect for Christmas--ha!). And actually, as the Rollergirls were schooling me last night in this craftiest of crafty items, I felt wistful that I didn't have one while making all of the wedding stuff. So note to engaged peops: get a bone folder, or a personal slave.

And to add insult to injury, the rollergirl home we were in featured candle adhesive not three feet away from where I was sitting. And even two dudes kind of jeered me for not being in-the-know about this item. Two dudes!

However, I have to say that just because Chrissy and/or Jen own a crafty item does not mean it is like a regular thing because the two of them are ridiculously crafty. I mean, Jen gave me glue to put on the ends of ribbons to keep them from fraying. I still do not know what such a product is called or how exactly someone came to manufacture it so readily since, you know, there's not even a decent recycling program in Nacogdoches.

But in any event, Martha is still kind of an irritant, even if I am craftily retarded. A craft day shall be had for my education and sheer jazziness. Who shall join?

'Neath the Cloak of Invisibility

Do you perhaps have AT&T service and want to talk to a real human being?

I'll just bet you do, Chachie.

Well let me save you HOURS (no, hours) of hunting for this phone number through various dead ends that keep encouraging you to ask a question via email.

1-800-464-7928

Over the years I have documented various encounters with phone company representatives. They have finally attempted to outsmart me by simply not *having* a number that you can call. But they haven't short-circuited the mighty MaryT. In fact, I am now much less bitter when I get off the phone since I basically take my time and ask every single question that pops into my head until I am satisfied with the answer (though the answer every time is basically "well, that is a different billing cycle than this") in a very ornery way. So now I feel better. My bill is still way too much and of questionable sense (please, all my friends with/acquiring PhDs/MDs/JDs, let me know if you can read yours).

Local home service, why can't I quit you?

This is Living?

Last night, while buying sensible items at the grocery store, I made a last-minute decision to buy a magazine at the checkout. After all, I had pretty much beat my November issue of Every Day with Rachel Ray to death (and not just because of the annoying tv star who claims that when she's really hungry she can practically eat a whole handful of nuts! Grr.) and I stopped taking magazine subscriptions when Bon Appetit started sending me eerie notes and when Real Simple at last revealed itself to be not only Real Hard, but Real Stupid. I perused the selection and basically I could buy Us with news of the TomKat wedding (barferoo), People with the same, one of the paper rags with a bunch of lies or Martha Stewart Living. Because of the brightly-colored cover that was decidedly rich with shininess, I settled easily on Martha Stewart. MRT questioned this decision, referring to it as "Prison Living," but I defiantly rationalized to him that the cover was shiny (which is very important to me as a characteristic of things I like to buy) and that there was no way this magazine could be half as annoying, condescending and ridiculous as the Martha Stewart Weddings issue I purchased this past summer.

Wrong-o.

I came back from yoga this morning, ready to dive in while I ate an early lunch and twenty minutes later, I am already feeling pissed off and tense.

First of all, here is a list of items that I not only don't have on hand as Martha suggests that I should, but that I've not even heard of. Keep in mind I am only like 20 pages into this magazine.

-bone folder
-weatherproof paper (not the kind one might use for an engineering project in the jungle which as far as I know was invented somewhat recently, but the *colorful* kind for wrapping presents for outdoor wreaths and making snowflakes to hang from the porch)
-roving (unraveled yarn; admittedly I likely don't know this term because I am only a novice crafter at best)
-candle adhesive (yes, I always have this around: excuse me? no, I do not)

Then she does this annoying thing where she refers to inexpensive things that can be made for unforgettable presents, like, according to her: pillar candles. Look, I don't consider myself cheap, but candles are not inexpensive. Ever since White Barn and Bath and Body Works began vomiting on suburban malls nationwide, ridiculously over-perfumed candles (chemically sun-ripened raspberry anyone?) have become a mainstay of new money culture, which has somehow exorbitantly raised the price of just regular scented and even unscented candles any and everywhere. I don't care for this trend as I do enjoy a moderate amount of candles, but I just want to make clear that they're not really inexpensive and that being the case, I am hardly going to invest a lot of additional time imprinting them with waxed twine loop designs with a "bone folder" that are almost sure to be an aesthetic disaster given limited time and tolerance (such as I have available). Listen, MS, I am living comfortably above the poverty line. I give generously. I partake of fancy cosmetics and high-thread count bed sheets, but I find your flip attitude as to the disposability of resources to be rather distasteful. Even if one does purchase candle adhesive for your "simple" "find" of the month (oh, get these pretty, little antique jars like these ones I found at a Parisian flea market and crafted out of human saliva at any garage sale [!!!]), what then? It's not affordable if you have no *idea* what to do with it after. And again I ask: wtf is a bone folder?!

I could really go on--obviously, but instead I will just cut to the number one scary thing about this magazine. Parenthetical text in almost every section of copy ominously refers to "The Guide" for template info, recipe steps, places to buy, etc. But what they really mean to say is "refer to The God," because that is how this guide is apparently regarded. I am honestly a little afraid to look at it, as if such a feat were akin to gazing directly into the sun. When I do, I am sure to report here because there's really just no way it isn't going to irritate me to the highest degree.

P.S. MRT will read this and suggest that I throw the magazine out of it is raising so much ire. So I am pre-emptiovely saying: "No way, MRT; I'm no quitter."

P.P.S. I am getting very excited about holiday fun, though even if Martha does keep pushing this on me, none of you will be receiving gifts with gingersnap cookie tags.

Here's the Thing

I have had some stuff to blog about, but I haven't really felt like it. First I was super sick. Then I had Thanksgiving stuff/car trouble. Then I felt tired, perhaps from too much pie or maybe just from a general holiday malaise. In any event, I just wanted you to know that I know you're out there. I know you want to read new stuff, even if you are not particularly interested in my life. I am aware of all of this and still I say: not tonight folks. But some things are too good to keep to myself. Look for holiday grumbling, details on a grease explosion, and maybe even some exceptionally tacky fashion coming your way tomorrow...or maybe the next day. In the meantime, I am going to get back to thinking about my Christmas cards. Or perhaps reading The Subtle Knife, which is dandy indeed.

Happy belated Thanksgiving.

All my pie,
MaryT

Santos L. Halper for Prez!

I was reading about the party leader elections within the House and I started getting all jazzy about upcoming elections. So I decided to see what old Hill has up her sleeves for 2008. Now, I am a Hillary fan and seriously considered purchasing the campaign materials party pack, but I must ask Hillary:

WTF is this about?



Here we see Snowball, one of approximately 20 pets featured in the "Pets for Hillary" gallery at VoteHillary.org.

I mean, I'm a huge fan of pets, but this pet gallery thing is sort of dumb. For the most part, peoples' dogs and cats are just lying around thinking about capturing mice or something and their owners have photoshopped the pictures to say that the animal will be voting for Hillary in 2008. Great idea! Maybe her aides can also start a gallery of other would-be supporters like babies and kids, or maybe some random non-U.S. citizens, or maybe a stack of books, or even the Pope. Of course, it's not like the Pope *would* vote for her, but I think the point here is that he can't. None of these groups can vote for Hillary because those are the rules, boss. And while the pet gallery is kind of fun, the Blue Dogs for Hillary page doesn't work anyway and I don't know, I'm a little more concerned about healthcare than Keno the gay kitten from Vermont. (I am not even joking. Look for Keno the gay kitten from Vermont to back Hill in 2008!)

Or is this an awesome idea and I am a big jerk? Because you know, as I am typing this, I am thinking of a clever way to put Molly into some Democratic gear and lend a paw of support. And if I had a human baby of non-voting age (because suddenly having an 18+ year-old child appear in my life would be bizarre at age 26), I would probably wish to outfit him/her in a "Babies for Dems" suit or something. But I swear, I will never put my child in a cheerleading uniform for babies.

What does the Holy See?

Just today at Hobby Lobby, I saw a woman who was clearly more into craft than, you know, parenting, SCREAMING at her children and generally freaking out in the parking lot. I then saw her slap her child into the back seat and tear off without ensuring that anyone was properly belted into their safety seats. When I see this going on, I think "you know what might make our ridiculously overpopulated Earth better? If more people who were not ready for children for financial/emotional/assorted reasons had them anyway! YAY!"

And yet, the Catholic Church's official position *would* think that--and not in a sarcastic way, either. This morning, MRT was reading from the paper about how Catholic priests have developed a program to welcome gays to the church, while encouraging them to abstain from their "misguided" sexual tendencies AND are making a concerted effort to get people to reconsider obeying the widely-ignored ban on birth control. That is a great idea, fellas. Thank you for the sage advice, celibate persons who could never get pregnant. That is truly enlightened! *Maybe* if responsible persons who have neither the time nor inclination to have children just had sex with children instead like you guys, there would be no problem!

ARGH!

Now there are a lot of Catholics out there and likewise, a lot of stupid people out there, too. Sometimes Catholic people are also unthinking, blindly obedient sheep: but not all the time. There is a reason this ban is widely-ignored. It's a TERRIBLE idea. This is not to say that anyone who does not participate in birth control is a bad person. Hey, I'm one of five kids*. I have no beef with people having babies if they want them. Babies rule! But I do have beef with forcing people to have children who don't want them. Children are precious and I don't think it makes me the anti-Christ to hope that every child will be a wanted child. Of course, many people think it does, which is why Planned Parenthood gets so much crap--but I really, really don't understand how living ANY life--even one of abuse, poverty, neglect, etc. is better than, you know, not getting made in the first place.

Why am I even blogging this in the first place? I'm just preaching to the converted, I know. How depressing.

*I think it's very interesting that other Catholic women are always bugging my mom to wear this little pin called "Precious Feet" signifying that you are supporting the ban on birth control/are pro-life, etc. I mean, here's my mom, minding her own business, having five kids. And then there are these women, mouthing off to the world, saying very little about their one or possibly two children. And my mom is pro-choice, beeotches. She just made a different choice.

Not quite right...

This employment posting keeps appearing week after week in the print and online versions of The Daily Sentinel. I suspect the position has not been filled because they're not quite attracting the right kind of people.

For your consideration:

Drivers:

• GET LOADED
  
• GET PAID
  
• GET HOME

(For Exp'd OTR Drivers)
REGIONAL ROUTES, GREAT HOMETIME. 6 mo OTR exp & current CDL. Call us today!888-922-0122 www.gousatruck.com USA TRUCK

Come on. WTF indeed.

Monsters in the Dining Room!

Who put this giant freaking dining room set in our dining room?

Oh yeah, MRT and I did yesterday and it is SO AWESOME. I can't believe I have a nice table. Woo woo.

I must get back to garage saling, which so far, I don't like much. :( But our stuff is selling rapidly. Yay...I guess.

Voting 1,2,3

For the most part, when I vote in this, the breeding ground for Republicans, my choices are really what my mom would refer to as "Fric or Frac," but as I do so enjoy participating in democracy, I like to be an active voter and check each box instead of voting straight ticket. This is especially true since if I voted straight-ticket Democrat, only like two boxes would be checked on a 12-page ballot.

Now, my system is highly biased and based on my own imperfect stereotypes. I do not claim that it is PC, but it is what I use when I don't know much about candidates for, say, 11th circuit court of appeals.

Actually, I am starting to think about this and what I need here is a flow chart because I have yes and no options.

For example:

Is there a special candidate such a Kinky Friedman that will make me go independent or so, despite being a committed socialist and default Democrat?

If yes:
Pick that candidate.

If no:
Is a Democrat available?

If yes:
Pick Democrat.

If more than one Democrat:
Pick woman.

If no woman:
Pick jew*. Bonus for lady Jews.

If no woman, no Jew, no Democrat:
Just pick whomever (Libertarians pull rank on Reps though) and move on. This election is dead to you anyway.

But what do I do in the event of a Republican woman vs. a Democratic man? Well, I pick the man because I assume that if a woman is a Republican, she is obviously already very misguided about which party gives a crap about her. This also applies to any ethnic minorities. There is just no explanation for Condoleeza Rice. Poor thing. (I will pick a Republican woman over a Republican man, though. But at this point, we would definitely be in "Fric or Frac" territory.)

*As most of you know, I'm not Jewish, but I love Jews and I know that when it comes down to it, they've got my back better than an old non-Jew, non-woman, non-Democrat. A good example of this would be Dick Cheney and Joe Lieberman. Sure, Lieberman is a "Democrat," but if given the choice, I would not pick him ahead of most other peops. Yet, I know that when push comes to shove, Lieberman is gonna represent me a lot better than Dick Cheney, the hunting, scowling pirate man. Is it because Cheney is a Republican and Lieberman is "not"? I'll let my sarcastic quotation marks answer that one for you.

P.S. Joe Lieberman is Jewish right? Or is he as "Jewish" as he is "Democratic"? Oh well, I'd still pick pretty much anyone ahead of Dick Cheney.

So in conclusion, if I decide to make a flow chart, I will post it here. For now, I am off to rollerskate with new friends. Yes! Rollerskate. I know you are jealous. But I deserve a reward after being a rescue dummy. That was scary. And muddy. Eep.

Texas is not Kinky :(

But we took the house, dawg! WOOT.

Also, Ellen Cohen beat out that bizard Martha Wong for Texas House Dist 134, who I will now remove from my comprehensive list of people to kill because hey--she's defenseless. I don't live in Montrose anymore, but I still like to represent or rather vote for someone awesome who actually DOES represent.

Oh man. If I ever run for political office, I am totally going to be representin' as part of my campaign strategy. I'll be all "wassup Texas? I'm gonna represent!" Yes, that is definitely how it will go.

I was saddened by a few losses last night (Kinky, Harold Ford Jr. in TN, all of the Democratic judges I voted for in Harris county that didn't have a snowball's chance in hell of winning), but overall: WOOT.

I have to go be a dummy for some search and rescue people's training today (sweet!), but when I get back, I am going to tell you all about the MaryT fail-safe, surefire tiered voting system when the League of Women Voters guide is nary to be seen.

More Evidence That Texas is Way Behind When It Comes to Education

"'Let me put it to you this way,' Bush told the cheering crowd, 'everything I learned, I learned here in Texas.'"

The value of my own education just plummeted.

An Odd Benchmark

I was just over at the place where Stuff is Cool and I noticed it said how many posts and how many comments and stuff there are overall. So I thought you might like to know where my 4.5 year old blog stands in terms of all of that. I'd like to know anyway, so now you get to know.

This is my 797th post in 1595 days (4 years, 4 months, 12 days). I used to have some other kind of comment, but since I set up Haloscan comments in 2003ish or so, there have been 1883 comments left (many by me, I'm sure).

So there you go, some satisfying stats until the polls close!

Look Out!

Dick Cheney is going hunting today.

Oh. Deer.

Though I have always been vaguely aware that there is a specific deer season, I have never been so keenly aware of it as I have been while living in Nacogdoches. Not only do I know the duration (two weeks), but I knew the specific day it started and the day it will end. MRT has also experienced this phenomenon after having been relatively ignorant about it in the past. In fact, a hearty chunk of the people with his major are hunting fiends who enjoy comparing notes on the poundage of their past kills. But unlikie he, who surrounds himself by hunters, I have no particular reason to know all of this stuff. Except that I do.

How? It's everywhere. No one can stop talking about it. I even heard a lengthy story on NPR for God's sake. The minds of bobo-in-paradise-listener-members like me are being hunted, too! It's like The Most Dangerous Game!

Every store--even just Walgreen's and Kwik-E Mart---sells deer corn. Many locals find hunting camouflage, which bears little resemblance to army camouflage, a reasonable pattern for occasions of any dress code. In fact, I saw a woman in the Lufkin mall yesterday who was wearing jeans, high heels, carrying a sparkly purse, and sporting a deer hunting camo shirt. Also, she was just hugely, hugely fat and instead of blending in--well, there was just camo all up in my peripheral vision.

For those of you not familiar with this particular pattern of ugly, it involves many of the same colors as say, army fatigues, but then instead of just using the colors of the background to conceal one, there are designs that rather look like a Thomas Kincaide version of gnarled woods in order for the hunter to take on the appearance--nay, become one with--the piney woods. Or something like that.

What say you to this?



Yeah, a 300-pound woman like I saw at the mall would definitely look, to a deer, like a natural wonder in this wrapping.

And then, as if this isn't bad enough, I can't quite reconcile that these people wear the deer hunter's orange as a vest or a hat or so. I appreciate that they don't want to get shot by Dick Cheney or something, but why wear camo at all? Why not just wear jeans and a tee. Maybe a warm coat with some flashes of bright color. Sure, the deer will see you, but dude--you've got a gun, a fenced-in property, a truck, some assembly of knives, and if it is God's will--a functioning brain about three times the size as the deer's. I mean, do you REALLY need the camo to get the competitive edge? Did I mention that you have a GUN and, allegedly, a brain? Skip the camo! It will be more money you can spend on killing things! It will be less horrifying for me to look at you any place I go that you're sure to be! Come on, we all win.

I do understand that as humans, we have pretty much eliminated every natural predator the deer have so there is an overpopulation problem and most deer starve in the winter. (Noonan wisely combats this by just giving deer corn freely from her yard. No camo, guns, or licensing involved.) Of course, that some people are no breeding deer in captivity for large antlers and then allowing these domesticated animals to be hunted for high dollar amounts (well into the hundreds of thousands--yes! absolutely!)just makes me sick to my stomach. Obviously, I will be pretty happy when deer season is over, but not just because I like deer.

All of my additional reasons are pretty much selfish. Seeing bloody trailers surround your car on all sides? Gross. Overhearing locals discuss gutting an animal in excruciating detail? Gross! Hearing a story from my cousin about how a dude in his EMS class got up at 5 am to shoot a deer and then furiously dialed person after person soliciting someone to clean this poor dead thing because he was in class but had been waiting a whole 50 weeks and just could not wait until the class was over at like, you know, noon, to kill something? RAWR. Where are you Darwin?!

I have even encountered a few people who consider deer season as the linking holiday between Halloween and Thanksgiving, so that once fall rolls around, it's just non-stop partying until January. Well, I might agree with them that deer season does somehow seem akin to the missing link, but as all holidays are my favorite, I cannot allow deer season to officially enter the pool and pollute the joy.

So on the whole, I give Nacogdoches a mighty thumbs up for all it's sublime and subtle facets of wonderment, especially since those with whom I have become acquainted do not seem to get high on this particular brand of death stimulant. But I have to say, I could really do without such intimate knowledge of this gross-tacular "sport."

Really Fantastic Idea!

Yesterday, as I was typing an insanely long email to Jen, followed by an insane amount of blog, MRT looked up from his school work and asked if my computer was out of words yet. As some of you may know, I am insanely hard on a keyboard. Not only do I type very fast, but I hit the keys very hard also. Within a year of owning this Lappy 3000 computer, my E had already disappeared. Now almost two years later, A, S, L, and W are gone, too (NOT from me typing "hey ASL?" on IM, thank you) with F and O rapidly on their way out (T is holding up remarkably well--so good job, T). MRT will not use my computer (which is really fine with me) because it annoys him to have mystery keys, so he came up with a really fantastic suggestion. I need decals!

Now, he wanted me to put decals of the letters, but what about an elephant instead of E or a wizard instead of W (Harry Potter?!) and maybe Slytherin on S! Ooh!

Well, but MRT really insists I need letters. My compromise is that these letters will be in Olde English. Yes! It will totally give Lappy 3000 some street cred.

What do you think?*

*Please note, if you do not agree that this is a really fantastic idea, your comment will fall on deaf ears.

The Blair Witch Comes to Nac

and other items of a Spooktacular nature

Buenos dia de las muertos, amigos! Yes, the day of the Dead is upon us and I have something very spooktacular to tell you about.

MRT and I were out of town this past weekend for my cousin's wedding and when we pulled into our driveway Sunday night, there was kind of an odd little item in the grass at the edge of our driveway--technically in our neighbor's yard, but our of their front porch's direct line of sight. It looked to me like human hair-- a lot of it--but I figured I was just tired and kind of shrugged it off.

The next morning when I went to get the paper though, there, unmistakably was this human hair bundle. And I sort of thought it was gross, but figured it would go away soon. Well friends, we are now on day 4, at least, of Blair Witch item and I am starting to get freaked out. I know the sensible thing would be to go out there and throw it away or so. But what of the consequences? Suppose it is some kind of talisman or even a warning? Maybe I will make MRT do it.

And speaking of MRT, his Halloween costume was really spooktacular. We dressed as a redneck couple. While my costume was obviously Halloween-specific, consisting of ill-fitting clothing--including a knotted tee that said "I wish these was brains"*--hair rollers and copious amounts of blue eyeshadow, MRT's was a little frighteningly close to home. 'Neath a cowboy hat, MRT wore a black tee with a deer in front of an American flag with the sleeves cut off of it. Then he tucked his jeans into his work boots and put in a set of fake bad teeth. Now in Houston, this costume would obviously have been just that, but here it kind of made people a little uncomfortable because they weren't sure if he was just a local dude. I think he scared the kids a little. Our next stop was a very spooktacular party with some new friends (yay for new friends!) and a few people actually thought MRT was just a redneck party crasher. And he didn't try to set the record straight, spinning wild yarns about how every ex-girlfriend of his had become a lesbian except me and he'd "be goddamned if i' twere ta hap'm again!" In truth, I was even a little scared and was ultra-relieved when he revealed his actual teeth late in the evening.

People in Nac really get into Halloween, which I really like because other than my birthday, which is my stand-out favorite holiday, all holidays are really my favorite. MRT and I had at LEAST 50 trick or treaters last night by the time we left for the party at 7:30 p.m. In Houston, I got like five or ten kids on my most successful night. But here they came in droves. Plus, employees at Walgreen's, HEB and even the gas station were all in costume. It was truly a spooktacular occasion.

I hope your Halloween was a spooktacular one and your November will be equally spooktacular!

*A woman wearing such a tee was the number one google image result for "redneck woman," when I was brainstorming my costume. Or at least internet-storming, which requires a lot less effort.