Reader Google Searches Remarked On! An Occasional Series

Number of American teenagers with cell phones
Enough to make a large donkey cry. At least 11ty billion. Very scientific, I know.

Working in government lame (from Canada)
It's no picnic in America, either, from what I hear. But if you want to know what I think, all jobs have their lameness. I guess that's why it's called going to work and not going to fun.

Why is French Roast called French Roast?
I'm actually not too sure anymore. I think it has something to do with punning on my love of coffee, all things French, and my belief that life is funny and comment-worthy, as in the tongue-in-cheek method of toasting and celebrating people/stuff. Oh you mean the coffee? No idea. Maybe because it's delicious and so is my site.

Phrase regarding walking a mile in someone's shoes
"Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away. And you'll have their shoes." That might not be the one you wanted, but it's my favorite.

Have you ever subscribed?
Indeed I have.

human taxidermy possible
What kind of sicko are you? Get off my web site, Mr. Dahmer.

legless woman
You dudes are all the same.

We DO NOT Want to Use Reverse Psychology

I am used to listening to NPR on my way to work, so when I have occasion to switch to another station, the ads really stand out, if not for their stupidity, for their noisiness at least. But let's be honest: it's the stupidity that I find comment worthy.

There is one for a car dealership in which they "cleverly" use some reverse psychology, making fun of all the businesses who encourage you to spend your tax refund with them, who immediately run to you, check-bearer, with their hands out. They close very matter-of-factly with "You earned it. You keep it." I'm not even going to go into the ways that that statement is possibly not true, but isn't spending really the POINT of this economy boosting refund plan? That we all run out with our shiny checks and buy stupid/awesome things like cars and boats and tvs, thereby pumping more cash into the wallets of hard-working Americans? Yes, it is the point, but rest easy--this car dealership is not run by unpatriotic fiends.

They don't really want you to put your money in the bank. This whole "hey, you keep it," is of course followed by: another ad for the dealership because the subtext here is: we don't really expect you not to spend all that money, so why don't you just come on over here and spend it. That's right, just stand here please. Now, look at these specials on new cars and trucks. Ah, America!

What crazy trickery will they throw at us next?

I Come to Bury Google Reader, Not to Praise It

Listen, I hear you when you say you love Google Reader, that it saves you time, that it keeps your life organized. Me, too. I love it!

But I'm telling you friends who have now abandoned the comments section of such fine blogs as "Gonna Get to You, Girl," and drastically reduced my site hits: it might be the end of an era. Besides, did you know that after the initial post is slurped up by google reader, I sometimes edit posts up to ten additional times with helpful tidbits and grammatical cleansing? No, you didn't know because you've all left me for a checklist. Don't deny it.

I'm not jealous though. I am a woman scorned and I will react appropriately. I know this might be hailed as an unpopular decision, but I think from now on, all you will get from me in your French-Roast rss feed is a teaser. (GASP!) Unless you can convince me that your love for me is real and google reader is simply a means to an end. Bah.

Sincerely,
Killjoy McGee

Gonna Get to You, Girl

There's a rumor that NKOTB, which--for those of you not wearing slap bracelets in 1991-- stands for New Kids on the Block, is planning a reunion tour. Despite jamming to "Hangin' Tough" at Sonnie's house during craft night, I debated the wisdom of such a bold move by these fellows.

Then I watched this video on YouTube. I know that after you watch it, you, like me, will never doubt them again. Please pay special attention to "bad boy" Donnie (brother of Marky Mark) leaping over the drum kit. Don't forget Jordan's seductive "loose hips" maneuver: in overalls. It's all amazing though. Please enjoy.



You are welcome.

It's 9 p.m., Do You Know Where Your Pizza Is?

It has come to my attention, that Domino's Pizza (yes, I can't believe I am linking the fundy supporters, either) has a highly interactive web site with some rather unusual features, so I checked it out just for you. Here's the conclusion I came to: disturbing.

Why?

First of all, even though the "BFD" (big fantastic deal) is $10.99 for unlimited toppings, but says no double portions, the interactive pizza will allow you to do a double portion of pepperoni--or any meat (but not unhealthy things like mushrooms or peppers!). And if that is not enough pepperoni for you, you can also top your interactive pizza with double "Extra Large" pepperoni, which is clearly a whole other type of meat.

Then, after you order it (my sources say), you can track your BFD like you would a UPS package. Yes, you will know the exact moment your pizza receives sauce, not to mention the very second your grease platter hits the oven. After the oven, your pizza is then tracked into the hands of a "delivery expert" for expert delivery to your front door in under 30 minutes.

So back to why this is weird: Secondly, Jack Bauer can't even deliver that many requests that quickly. Thirdly, I don't like the idea of my pizza having either an embedded homing device or a bar code. That the Russian government could know so much about my dinner just does not sit right--not that anything could sit right if I were apportioning myself four topping layers of various sizes of pepperoni.

I have always been impressed by online pizza ordering though. From the first time I saw Sandra Bullock do it in The 'Net (at which time I leaned over to my sister and said something like "Whoa! Do you think we'll ever be able to do anything like that with our 2400 bps modem?!") to my crazy college days when I often clicked a button for my version of "the usual."

But this, well, I don't feel good about this at all. It could be for even the simple reason that I have met some of these so-called delivery experts and if that's what Domino's is calling "expert," I'd hate to meet the flunkies, or especially to have them make my pizza. Or maybe it's because I don't like the name BFD. It's like Domino's chose it for the same reason little boys like to say Jean-Claude van Damme--to see if their moms will attempt to scold them for inadvertently cursing. What ever happen to the 'Noyed/Noid/Noyd? That guy was funny. Bring him back. I still don't want your crappy pizza though.

Maybe Because I Look at a Lot of Catalogs?

I am a fan of a very cool design blog called How About Orange (introduced to me by Chrissy, introduced to her by Sonnie). Today, HAO had a quiz in which you must determine if the pictures of furniture shown are cheapies from Wal-Mart or designed by the famous minimalist designer Donald Judd. Even having never heard of Judd, I got a 100%. I'm not sure what that means.


Whodunnit? Try your hand at the quiz, to find out!

All is Well

Here is the source for Noonan's great "tips" regarding highly-defensive people. It's a pretty good article actually and I recommend it to all of you with a cranky dinosaur or two in your life.

Happy Birthday Peter!

Also, my nephew Peter is one year old today. And to kick off this new year of living, Peter began walking two days ago. Welcome to our upright brigade, young person!

Good Advice from a Reliable Source

If you ever need advice, I have to recommend having an older sister. I always call my sister in any crisis. She always helps me out. Like today, I called her during my lunch break to get some input about dealing with the type of people that she terms "hyperdefensive." She said she had recently read an article about such people and had learned how to handle them. I got very excited as she built up to this wisdom for the ages. Then she said that according to this article, the first thing to remember when dealing with hyperdefensive people is that you really can't.

What? Crap. That's not a tip.

But then she said that the next part of the article discussed how to deal with them if you really have to. The tip was that no matter what: you just really can't deal with them.

So once again, I'd like to encourage you all, when in need, turn to your big sister. She won't lead you astray.

The worst part is she really didn't lead me astray. She is so right. Crap!

It Was A Dark and Stormy Night

Hello there. MaryT checking in from the museum where I will be hosting a children's event for 35 fifth graders and their parents in just under an hour. For now though, I sit alone in this place, all dark from the cold and drear pressing in through the windows, except for the light in my office. I have heard tell of ghosts here, but I think they come out at more witching-type hours. I am finally enjoying a moment of peace in an otherwise very hectic day (note: punching holes in 65 nametags + 15 pages of sketchbook+ 2 covers for the same sketchbook x 35 sketchbooks= really, really sore hand). This is the perfect time to craft something sage or funny or interesting or true, but instead I think I will take a deep breath, check out the weather on the internets, and try to refrain from running into the rain to retrieve my trashy novel from my car, which I purposely left there during lunch so as to avoid it. Then again, I have to finish it sometime. It might as well be now. This is the perfect reading weather, but it would be even more perfect if I had a mug of coffee, and a blanket, and a dog. Oh, and my husband would be cool, too. But mostly the coffee and dog parts. Just wanted to say hi--nothing terribly introspective to say except about the hole punching. You should avoid it in excess. It really is quite painful. Hope to see you soon.

Your pal,
MaryT

Juno What I'm Talkin' About

If you have yet to see the movie Juno, I must highly recommend it. It's funny; it's sweet; it's about character and young love. (It also reminds me a lot of KB, right down to the fact that the star looks like her! And I love KB.)

But what I can easily recommend more is the Official Juno web site simply because of the users of it. Yesterday while browsing the internet (and procrastinating on finishing my graduate school personal statement), I watched some Juno promo videos there (at the bottom left of the main site). They were funny, but the comments on them were pure painful, humiliating gold. Without going into too much detail, I can only thank my lucky stars that the internet was not that big when I was a teenager, when secrets could be written in journals that could be locked or burned and not on display to all of the crazy judgemental internets (i.e. me). Teenagery ahoy!

If I Were on Heroes...

Those of you who have been watching Heroes (and if you haven't, why haven't you? Even a non-tv watcher like me has instantly netflixed it) have certainly had a moment where you wondered what your superpower would be if you were on the show. Then again, maybe you thought you were like Nikki who has less of a superpower and more of a dissaociative identity disorder. I wonder no more. I know what my superpower is. Don't get too excited; I haven't been flying around or making myself invisible, but my power has revealed itself.

Are you ready? Get ready...

I can pick out any person with a speech impediment of any kind within a 100 mile radius or on tv or radio. Ta da! I know. Not everyone can be as super as Peter Petrelli. On the bright side, I doubt I will make Sylar's "To eat brain" list for quite some time.

Let the Self-Loathing Re-Commence

Remember when I read this book? It was terrible. It was pure literary tripe. I couldn't put it down! And now I've done it again. Oy. By chance, when I was at my mom's house, I saw that she had the book that the book I read before was the sequel to. And stupidly, I picked it up and perused it. Seconds later, I was completely offended and could not. stop. reading it.

How bad is this book? There are times when I have to break my exhilarating pace to set the book down, roll my eyes, and shake my head. I actually do this. Sometimes I even sigh and lament the awkward position I'm in aloud--to myself.

The story is so-so, but the characters? Oh my God--the characters are the most uncreative, stereotypical, two-dimensional pieces of poo that e'er tromped through the pages of a book. It's obnoxious to the highest degree. All the black men are either Uncle Tom's or muscular, rebellious slave man. The black women are all Mammy types. The white dudes are like genteel, old Southern money who drink things like mint juleps on their plantation house porches every night. The white women are submissive dolls that are beautiful and smart enough to be attractive, but never outpacing the white men--except the white men who are redneck ne'er-do-wells. It's really too much to handle and I am wondering if that's what also makes it compelling.

I had the opportunity to interview the author the first time I was ensnared by one of his tomes and I am so mad at how it went. I had written really tough questions for him about why his characters were so transparent and so forth, but the guy was REALLY nice. He was totally expecting my game and twisted the interview, just like Penn Cage does to Caitlin Masters (except the author is not a strapping and wildly successful prosecutor-turned-novelist and I am not the brilliant, classically beautiful journalist who gets charmed out of her pants--ick) in this first volume. And this of course enrages me because I have become a total cliche AND I am reading this garbage: AGAIN.

Point: Greg Iles.

I am so humiliated and that is probably the worst part about reading this book. Every page reminds me that I am a failure as an individual and as an intellectual and maybe especially as a feminist. Self, I roll my eyes at you. But if you'll excuse me, it's lunch time and I have to get back to this book I'm reading...

Why I'm Backing Hillary and You Should, Too!

I must admit, I was a little nervous when my iHome clicked on this morning and NPR began a seemingly endless stream of New Hampshire primary reporting. When it was announced that Hillary had a surprising victory, I jolted fully awake and did a little dance in my soul. MRT did a less convincing dance from his soul, but a dance nonetheless. You see, the MRTs are supporting Hillary Clinton--and here's why.

• It's time for a change and while it's all well and good for Obama to talk about change, Hillary has been living and breathing that change and tinkering with the system for years. She is as close as we've ever gotten to healthcare reform and she wasn't even president at the time.
  
• I want a woman in the oval office and preferably, not Condi Rice. Eep! I want a woman who understands why women's issues are America's issues. That person is Hillary.
  
• I want someone with experience. John McCain is a bit long in the tooth, frankly, and Obama, while an excellent candidate is too many parts starry-eyed dreamer without enough mitigating hard knocks and real doing. I do love a good starry-eyed dreamer. I consider myself one, but I am not running for president. Hope is a wonderful thing and Obama's 2004 convention speech moved me to tears--but I need more than a dim chance and a bright hope.
  
• MRT likes Hillary's non-Obama stance on gun control, by which we mean, she's going to err on the side of caution and not irritate gun owners because she's spending time on what we both feel are much more pressing issues: the war, the environment, healthcare reform, women's issues (i.e. NOT favoring the overturning of Roe v. Wade), etc.
  
• I like Hillary. Peops call her the ice queen, but I don't feel that way at all. She is not charismatic in the same way Obama or Clinton the first (ha!) were, but I believe she is warm and cares about this country and ALL its people very deeply. She has been dubbed the ice queen because it is a divisive term meaning she is a successful woman in a suit.

It's a shame the Texas primary is too late to garner any major attention from candidates of either party, even though this isn't exactly unclaimed bipartisan territory. I would like to be more essential to the process and not have my candidate chosen by Iowa and New Hampshire among others. But all the same, on primary day in Texas this March, long after the nomination is decided, the MRTs will be backing Hillary Clinton and we hope that whoever you are, wherever you are, you will too.

Reader Google Searches Remarked On!

I'd say this is another installment of reader questions answered, but it's more a case of people asking the internet a question and the internet untruthfully asserting that F-R would be able to quell these conundrums. Well I'm not one to call the internet a liar, so I will at least remark.

Explanation of scoring for roller derby
I'm floored that I am the number 10 google search for this. I'll keep it simple though. One point for every member of the opposing team that the jammer passes legally. If a team has a player in the penalty box, the opposing team's jammer gets a point for passing her once she has passed the entire pack. Clear as mud? Good. Ask someone else.

What do you get when you rap [sic] pie filling in a tortilla and top it with powdered sugar?
I have no idea what it's called, but it sounds delicious to me!

secret deodorant poisoning
search performed in Kenner, Louisiana
Listen Jamie Lynn, I know you're freaked because you're pregnant at 16, but I really don't think you're going to poison your baby with deodorant...any more than the large amounts of crack and cocaine which are likely already in your life because let's face it, we know your sister and we know that the courts awarded custody of your nephews to K-Fed. To K-Fed! WTF is your sister doing? What are you doing? Oh my. At least you're reading me now. We'll get through this. Say no to drugs Jamie Lynn.

www.hotroast.com
If you know the site you want, why are you here instead of joining "the vlogolution" ?

first phone call online dating use fake accent as a joke
Run. Run far. Run fast. I've known a lot of douchebags and while I enjoy phone hijinx, this is a bad sign. I can feel it.

Aaron Neville Jail Time for murder.
He was falsetto-ly accused! Ba-dum pssh. Fine. Go away. See if I answer your google searches again (I will).

Everyday Val-Us

I had a strange experience this past November. I went to Wal-Mart about 15 times--more visits in one month than in the past 10 years put together. I was not, you understand, a regular goer and therefore completely awed by the dazzling parade of low prices and assortment of strange and useless items--as well as useful ones and the fact that they're now offering fresh sushi. Or so-called fresh. I have recovered from this lapse in judgement (sp. not up for debate) and haven't been to Wal-Mart in awhile. I see the appeal, but I'm not copping to it, since most of the stuff I bought there, with the exception of my totally rocking sewing machine, made me feel worse about myself for one reason or the other (maybe). Mainly that place is like a space/time warp zone. I don't know where I am or what time it is and I can't remember what I went in for and my head always hurts a bunch by the time I check out. This isn't as bad as my ubiquitous Hobby Lobby nausea, which is getting worse, but it's still an undesirable condition.

I am a value shopper though. I knew that spending $20 more for the same self-healing cutting mat at Hobby Lobby that I got at Wal-Mart proved no points to anyone. So I went to Wal-Mart.

This morning though, I'm listening to a Wal-Mart ad clearly geared to the Value Shopper, Val-U, if you will and I was completely unconvinced. For one thing, this Val-U lady who was supposed to be so like middle America me was known for throwing the biggest super bowl party on the block. I am not known for this. I am not even known for watching the super bowl unless M! is making deep fried twinkies while Janet Jackson is...well, you know. It's been awhile and even then I only watched half time and ate snacks. In any event, the woman says that because of Wal-Mart's low prices, she is able to invite a few more friends to her party than she normally would.

Let's think this one through.

If for example, onion dip at Wal-Mart is $2.87, I can't imagine onion dip at Kroger is more than $2.99 (speaking from my val-u knowledge). Let's not forget potato chips, cokes, beer, buffalo wings, pizza, etc. All together, the Wal-Mart/Kroger difference is approximately $3.75. (Again, my expert knowledge reveals this. Kroger has excellent prices.)

The claim: If she weren't able to shop at Wal-Mart, she could not invite as many people because she would have to spend (for example) $0.12 more for each container of onion dip.

The reality: WHAT? If you're having a huge party and you don't invite certain friends of yours citing the cost of junk food at your regular grocer, your friends should not be friends with you anymore. If you're having a huge party and $0.12 is the difference between hurting your friend's feelings and breaking your bank, you cannot afford to have a party at all. Turn back now or you're an asshole. And a broke one at that. Further, if your other guests have to eat their weight in nachos before sharing, they are gross assholes.

Wal-Mart, I invalidate you.

Geez--are y'all sure you want me to start blogging again? WTF was this?

P.S. I also submit that super bowl parties are like the re-bound holiday parties for people who ate to fill their Thanksgiving pants through november and December and are needing a fix until they are shamed into swimsuit season.

I Miss Unemployment

You know, there's always been a place for the stay-at-home mom in our culture. Sure, it's occasionally a rough one emotionally, spiritually, financially, etc. but it's a recognized job. Even stay-at-home dads are finding their place these days. Why, look how Michael Keaton takes the bull by the horns in Mr. Mom, why don'tcha? But as yet, no one is recognizing the true genius of the "stay-at-home nothing" job, which was probably the best job I ever had. In fact, I miss it a bunch.

No, it didn't come with health care or anything, but neither do many peoples' current actual jobs (like mine, for example). Admittedly, the pay is better in actual job-having, but you can't beat the job perks for stay-at-home nothing, which basically all fall under the category of "do whatever you want, whenever you want."

Aside from this extraordinary level of perks, why else do I miss being a stay-at-home nothing? For one thing, I didn't run my mouth all the time about one particular thing no one wants to talk about (my job), and I filled my time with many wonderful and delicious time-fillers. Now, I run my mouth all the time about one particular boring thing no one wants to talk about (not even me!) and I fill my time with doing the things at work that I talk about all the time I'm home. Blech.

By an act of God and a small number of comp days, I just got out all of my holiday cards and even managed to write mostly personal notes--because I truly do wish you all a Merry Christmas [belated] and Happy New Year [belated]. (If you have not received yours, keep checking your mailbox for the next few days, and if you still haven't gotten it: maybe you could be a little nicer to me in 2008, ok?) But this is not to say I was anywhere near my full stay-at-home nothing holiday strength with the baking and decorating and on-time gifts and the holiday parties and so forth. Granted, I did do all this and work full-time on a few occasions before, but I was pretty lonely (read: no husby debris tornadoes to sigh loudly about) and lived within 2 miles of my job and quality retail shopping.

This year, beyond my extraordinary holiday card efforts, I sent a few pairs of fuzzy socks as belated presents, apologized profusely for showing empty handed to family gatherings, misguidedly stapled a wreath husby made to the front door, put all my lights and only about ten ornaments on our Christmas tree, and listened to Aimee Mann's One More Drifter in the Snow an untold number of times, squeezing in viewings of Heroes Seasons 1 and 2 (not to be missed--even if you're very tired) and White Christmas and It's A Wonderful Life. The extent of my post-Thanksgiving cooking was pretty much heating up some casseroles my mom graciously sent my way. (Thanks Mom! I was hungry!)

But in 2008, I resolve to come back to full holiday strength somehow because now! Oh now! I have a garbage disposal (thanks husby!) and husby's fire pit (thanks, me!), an electric heater next to my office desk (thanks, my office!), and the extremely powerful motivator of hindsight. I also have some other snazzy prizes, but if I mention them all, I'll go back to feeling bad for sending out only belated fuzzy socks.

Also, since you came all this way, some quick resolutions/ways I will try not to dwell too much on missing unemployment in 2008:
-run a 5k (co-resolution with Chrissy)
-drink cokes on weekends or special travel occasions only
-drink more water
-make progress on my just started 101 in 1001 (I am not brave enough to publish my list as Chrissy has)
-finish graduate school applications
-stop wishing I was unemployed

Until next time, I'd appreciate it if you could all make a mental note to talk-up this stay-at-home nothing plan.

Happy New Year!