"Does Yahoo Even Exist Anymore?"

...in which Yahoo is likened to a dopey ex-boyfriend. Yes Virginia, there is email after marriage, but choose wisely. You're not a teen anymore.

Speaking of weddings, I have been to about a hundred of them lately--which is great. I much prefer them to funerals. The line dancing is much better, as is the buffet, and presence of a cake. So congrats all married peops, espec. newlyweds Meg and Danny!

For many women who elect to change their names, the changing of the email is a time to start again. It's a chance to un-lame-ify the lame, if it needs doing. It's a time to get in step with our Google futures. It's like another New Year! But not all people use this do-over wisely.

Now I could write a full-length blog on this subject, but instead I will post some tidbits of recent g-chat conversations with Chrissy and Pens, who I discussed such an email change with. They will do the topic much more justice.

Please note: actual email handles have been changed to protect the ridiculous.

First, a conversation with Pens
Me: so you'd think a name change due to marriage would be a good opportunity to un-lame-ify your email
Me: I just got notification from one of MRT's friends that instead of being ABCmonkie1980
Me: she is now ABDmonkie1980
Me: way to stretch yourself!
Pens: nice
Pens: yeah so changing one letter is actually gonna make things a lot harder
Pens: both on herself and on others
Me: no joke--most peops probably didn't even realize those were her initials
Me: even if she had left off the 1980, I could understand
Me: or most especially the misspelled monkey/monkie thing
Pens: let's say I hate pens today and rather than redoing my email [mattlikespens] to matthatespens I change it to mattlikedpens, as you know I'd want to remember the times that I had
Me: ha!
Pens: now when you type the email address you have to be aware of any autofill
Pens:that it does not just plug in the old address
Me: autofill is unappreciative of consciousness shift
Pens: as am I
Me: me too, frankly--I'm glad my email was just initials that didn't change
Me:changing my well-established and much-liked email would have been a headache
Me: but if my initials *had* changed, I wouldn't have chosen like mrg12345 [instead of mrt12345]
Me: that would be ridiculous
Pens: Obama for president would be ridiculous
Me: I know, but I am worried
Me: at least I know Hill will take the TX
Me: I hope Florida and Michigan will get to count
Me: I thought it was very weird that they didn't get to count in the first place
Me: "we don't like you moving up your primary; no votes for you!"
Pens: yeah but thankfully Hill made an effort there
Me: yes, she is so right
Me: why disenfranchise two large states?
Me: espec states that voted for Hill
Pens: eggsactly

And a companion conversation with Chrissy
Me: you know how we went to Matt's friends' wedding in Dec?
Me: well, I just got a notification of an email address change
Me: you'd think changing your name is a good opportunity to un-lame-ify your email
Me: but she went from ABCmonkie1980 to ABDmonkie1980
Chrissy: what?
Chrissy: that's so silly
Chrissy: why bother?
Me: I know!
Me: if she had changed to her real name or something, I could see the need for a new email
Me: but some peops wouldn't even realize those were her initials in the first place
Chrissy: for real.
Chrissy: people are unimaginative.
Chrissy: or at least imaginative in boring ways.
Chrissy: if that is possible.
Me: I was talking to Pens about it
Me: and he said autofill is going to screw her
Me: like if he decided he no longer likes pens
Me: instead of being matthatespens he changed to mattlikedpens
Me: to remember the good times when he liked them
[wasn't that exciting to re-enjoy via my paraphrase, dear reader?]
Chrissy: ha!
Chrissy: matt would notice that and think "foiled by autofill!"
Chrissy: we all know gmail too well, i think.
Me: yes--and to add insult to injury
Me: this unimaginative email changer stuck with yahoo
Chrissy: oh god.
Me:isn't an email change due to marriage a real chance to upgrade?
Chrissy: does yahoo even exist anymore?
Me: I know, right?
Chrissy: why hasn't everyone gone to the gmizzle?
Me:I need to save these conversations and make them into a blog
Chrissy: gmail will let you do that, you know.
Me: make them into a blog?
Me:if that's true, gmail is a dreamboat
Chrissy: no. just save them.
Chrissy: but give it time.
Chrissy: i'm sure the google folks have got that on the backburner.

Amen.

Guest Bartender Pens Makes the Lindsay Lohan

Matt H./Pens is not only hilarious, he is also a supreme drink mixer. This weekend at the wedding of friends Meg and Danny, Pens was in charge of ordering drinks for his friend who unwisely trusted him to keep alcohol out of the picture.

Little did his pal know that the "Shirley Temples" he thought he was drinking were actually Pens's more mischievous incarnation of "Lindsay Lohans." Recently, I caught up with Pens and asked him to share the secrets of his clever mixology.

"The key to the LL is using grenadine to mask the flavor of the vodka," notes Pens. "That way, it is not necessary to admit one has a drinking problem."

Pens's Lindsay Lohan

1. Make Shirley Temple.

Ingredients:
-sprite
-grenadine
-ice
-cherry

2. Add one (1) part vodka for every two (2) parts sprite.

3. Enjoy.

4. If blackouts persist, go to rehab. "For a few hours at least," adds Pens.

Heady Valen-times!

I get such a charge out of seeing kids write Happy Valentimes! in these, the Val-iest of Valentimes.

And speaking of this sweetheart of a day, I have to tell you a hilariously dramatic story not so far-flung from cheesy stuffed animals, heart-shaped boxes of chocolate, and promises you-don't-intend-to-keep.

Yesterday I was listening to the report about the congressional hearings in which Roger Clemens swore up and down he never took steroids and such while his former trainer and everyone with a brain swore he did. The reporter talked about how Mr. Clemens never strayed from his story (lie) and how a very supportive Mrs. Clemens came into the courtroom behind her husband saying nothing, but carrying a single yellow rose.

A single (any color) rose? Are you kidding me? How dramatic! I LOLed myself silly in the privacy of my car at that kind of shenanigan. I mean really, there's nothing more ridiculous than a single rose. Really, even a single carnation would have been silly, but a rose has too much unspoken intention.

It's like all of congress was a contestant on The Bachelor or something.

"Congress, will you accept this rose?"
"I will, Mr. Clemens! I can't wait to accept your fairy tales as truth!"

I'm sorry--is this funny to anyone else besides me? The single rose has long stood, for me at least, as the ultimate symbol of a lack of self-awareness.

"What do you mean I'm being ironic? Have a rose! But just one. Let's not get carried away."

The only people who give single roses are people with ill-laid plans, in my opinion. And you can interpret that however you want. The point is, when I think of people who give single roses, the image that comes to mind is this kind of guy who you may remember from a three-years-ago email from me titled "Best Senior Picture Ever." You are welcome.



Happy Valentimes!

Love,
MaryT

On Not (Heart)ing Heart-Shaped Stuff

I am convinced that in about 1987, some dude thought he could make a killing on incredibly tacky heart-shaped jewelry (especially pendants) for Valentine's Day, convinced Service Merchandise and J.C. Penney of the same and sold them his entire stock. Ever since then, the Sunday circulars preceding Valentine's Day have advertised this unsold crap in hopes of recovering what must have been a significant investment--21 years ago.

But here's a tip J.C. Penney and Service Merchandise and whoever else: no one liked it then; no one likes it now. It's really wretched to see twisty gold hearts hanging from someone's neck, like a diamondized, miniature Lisa Frank trapper keeper.

Cut your losses. Melt this stuff and make something that doesn't incite vomiting in the Sunday readership. Please. Go. Now. You still have four days until Valentine's.

You Decide 2008!

I like how all the news stations have tired of headlining with "Election 2008" or "Vote 2008," so they're trying furiously to come up with fresh new ways of saying "Hey, we're voting now. And it's 2008. Stay tuned!"

So here's something else you can decide on in 2008: the new Texas license plate. Personally, I am a fan of our old plain one that we lost in about 03 or so. Bummer. But fortunately, we have a chance to rid ourselves of that new one, too, by voting on yet another new one.

So if you have any interest at all in the future of Texas license plates, e-vote here until noon on February 11.

Personally, I am supporting "Traditional Texas," but I can see why you might be turned off by the weird airbrushing of the top and bottom. I wasn't a huge fan myself, but all the detail of those others ones just says "some other state" to me.

Anyway, YOU DECIDE (2008)...if you want to.

Superwoman

Was my dream right on, or what? Hillary takes California. Thank GOD I blogged yesterday. :)

Cleanliness is Next to... Crazy-ness?

Anyone who knows me personally can vouch for the fact that I am a pretty clean person. And by pretty clean, I mean like bordering on the point of obsessive compulsion. I even artfully arrange my bath towels (and how can I resist, being that they are in such an assortment of lively colors?). But I just read an article in ReadyMade that made me feel like a filthy animal. It also made me feel, and this was wonderful and the first time in my life--like a lazy housekeeper.

For example, I change my sheets every two weeks, sometimes more often. No, this article tells me, I need to be doing it weekly--and while I'm at it, vacuuming my mattress, and the bed slats and frame as well.

Other things I need to be doing weekly:
-vacuuming and wiping all air vents/ducts
-vinegar and water mixturing the interior of my oven (along with salting and scraping spills as they occur)
-vacuuming/dusting the underneath of my refrigerator coils
-cleaning out the drip pans (drip pans? what are these?) in my freezer and washing them with soap and water and leaving them out to air dry

Other things I need to be doing in general that I have never done:
-sunning my mattress for three hours outside every spring and fall
-changing the coiling/duct thingy to my furnace and dryer seasonally or with every major home repair

Does anyone else do these things? If so, can I take a ganders at your day planner? I feel worn out from making this list and eager to retire to my apparently filthy house this evening.

Stars Shining Bright Above Hillary

I dreamed last night that an important, last minute blog from me gave Hillary the surge she needed to win California this superest of all Super Tuesdays. In my dreams, I have a ton of political sway. Remember my post-loss consolation road trip with John Kerry in 2004? Now, I doubt that F-R is going to be the impetus behind turning the political tide of a long, long, hard-fought nomination for the Democrats, but I can't just ignore my dream.

So if you're out there, and you're voting in a Democratic primary today (or doing whatever one does in a Democratic caucus), remember Hillary Clinton. She has been working towards this moment her entire life, but it isn't just about her. She has always been working for what the people want, mostly behind the scenes. She is a great candidate, and while Obama is no slouch, the hour for Hillary is upon us. Support Hillary this Super Tuesday--you'll be glad you did.

Now go forth, mine dreams, and fill the universe with hope and opportunity for women!

UH: It's more than an abbreviation. It's a thought process.

CAUTION: EYEBALL GOUGING AHOY!

Despite the fact that each of the four classes I took at the University of Houston were significantly cheaper than each class I took at Rice, my time at UH has cost me at least as much in blood and rage as any dollar amount at Rice. How to sum up the incompetence of UH? It would be a gross understatement to say that trained monkeys could have designed their infrastructure a little more efficiently than whoever they actually got.

Having recently applied to graduate school, I found that the most painful part of the entire process was obtaining a transcript from UH. No, not the statement of purpose, the recommendations, the fees--nothing like that at all. One transcript--of three--would be my achilles's heel.

Last time I tried to order a transcript, I had to make approximately 14,000 calls to verify that Mary Maidenname and Mary Marriedname were the same person. Then, oh lord! My address was different also! So they registered my new address as me needing a new Cougar1 card and credit card, for which I was charged a "replacement fee." One, I'm not a student anymore. Two, I actually still had my old one; it was never lost. Three, I don't even live within 200 miles of that Godforsaken campus. I just wanted a transcript. So then when I called and said "Umm, I'm not fond of these fees," I was told to keep track of my card! Then, when I said it was in my hand, I was informed that it couldn't be so because I was assessed another fee for when the replacement ID was shipped to my old address, where I had not lived for five years, not even when I had been a student there for the second time three years ago and had changed that address with them. So I can't add up all those fees. The bottom line is--they were charging me enrollment fees and all this for the fall semester, plus weird ID charges and were not getting it when I said "I am really not okay with this."

So you can see why I'd be reticent to tangle with them once more, on even what should be a simple matter.

This time, I go to order my transcript and see fees on my account which I was assured had been cleared up, but no--there they are. So I pay for my transcript only, still leaving many absurd fees, deciding to call them (again) the next day when the office opens. So I do and Student Worker tells me "there are no fees here," and I say "well, that's dandy, but I am looking at my account as we speak and there are. I want them to go away and stop saying I owe money." He "Umm, okay."

So this was last week and I think "Finally, order is restored in the universe." Oh naive MaryT! Last night I open a letter I got on Friday from UH, with a check for $20 as a refund in it (my assessed fees). But the kicker is, I still owe $20 on my UH fees bill. No problem right, one for one? Wrong-o. Every time you pay through UH system, you're assessed a convenience fee (I should assess them one for inconvenience, methinks), so the $20 that I never owed was mailed to me so I could pay them $20.72 or whatever it is. So I call this morning, asking if I can destroy the check and just have the amount expunged from my fee bill, thereby doing nothing, stealing nothing, and owing nothing, and Student Worker tells me to simply cash the check and just not pay the fee which is still alleged not to exist on his screen*. Well, I would except that I have 1) a conscience and 2) a possible need for transcripts in the future.

And another thing I now have is a headache. I hate you, UH. One day, I will bring you down. Until then, I will continually throw myself into your cruel machine in hopes I might emerge with a transcript and a little justice. But did I mention that I hate you? I do.

*Please note that these screens lie and/or hide the truth from the all-knowing eyes of the highly competent and motivated student worker who has been sharpened by the university's extensive training programs. When, as a post-bac student at UH, I was informed that my SAT scores were not recent enough to exempt me from taking this mandatory breathing/pulse academic test required by the state, I said that my degree also exempted me. They actually asked me, with my transcript in front of them, how I could prove I had a degree. (As if I was going to show the secret handshake other than the usual means of, you know, providing a transcript.) When I said "look down," they were like "Oh, you graduated from Rice two years ago...what are you doing here?" Well now, my pet, I'm so glad you've decided that's your business. Now remove the restriction from my student account or I will physically harm you. "So do you want to be listed as a sophomore or what?" [brief interlude for eyeball gouging]

Passing Thoughts: 2 in an Occasional Series

Today I saw a truck with a sticker that said "Viet Nam Vet: We were winning when I left."

I felt scared.

Also, was the U.S. ever "winning" that war? Is that anything like "mission accomplished" in Iraq?

Passing Thoughts: 1 in a NEW Occasional Series

When I turn my hair dryer on in the morning, it kind of sounds like James Brown at the very beginning of "I Feel Good" when he does that little joyful scream. It's not a bad way to start the day by any means.

Especially today, which is the 29th birthday of my husby! Happy Birthday, the Huz!